


Promstuck: A Homestuck Fan Adventure (With Prom)

by Cephied_Variable, schellibie, urbanAnchorite (t_ZM)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Marchingstuck, Multi, Promstuck
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-07-08
Updated: 2012-01-14
Packaged: 2017-10-21 03:01:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 22,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/220164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cephied_Variable/pseuds/Cephied_Variable, https://archiveofourown.org/users/schellibie/pseuds/schellibie, https://archiveofourown.org/users/t_ZM/pseuds/urbanAnchorite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a story about love. This is a story about betrayal. Of heterosexuality, <i>Heee Haw,</i> and growing up.</p><p>This is a story about prom.</p><p>(IMAGES BROKEN! You can read promstuck in its entirety on promstuck.tumblr.com)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. ACT ONE

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to Promstuck, which is now complete at the [Promstuck](http://promstuck.tumblr.com) tumblr! It's the brain child of Shelby, uA and Cephied Variable, illustrated by the former and written by the two latter (with a great deal of content to still be blamed on Shelby). This is based off the [Marchingstuck](http://urban-anchorite.livejournal.com/tag/marchingstuck) continuity, so if you are baffled as to why this high-school AU constantly brings musical instruments into everything Marchingstuck may be worth a read. Perhaps you are baffled anyway. This is normal.
> 
>  _Promstuck_ functions like a 'classic' fan adventure: many of its commands were submitted by the readers, which the team dutifully followed. This can explain the reasons as to why the characters die, offer everyone they meet bacon and jelly sandwiches and seem to be propelled around by Hearts Boxcars (you wouldn't believe the number of times Hearts Boxcars seems to pop up in the commands box).
> 
> This is a labour of love, and also a labour of affectionate, nonsensical parody. The team would like to thank all of the amazing support you guys continually give to an adventure whose emotional climaxes have involved _Heee Haw_.
> 
> Warning: SERIOUSLY IMAGE HEAVY.

  


Your name is **KARKAT VANTAS** and your **LIFE IS OVER. AGAIN.**  


Senior prom. Many a romcom has assured you that this is the highpoint of your natural life, and that after this your happiness will hit the road, Jack. Youth, innocence and joy will be tossed down the gaper. You will be left to moulder at the top shelf of life's pantry, sort of like an abandoned taco kit.

It was also the last shot you ever have of winning the affections of the LOVE OF YOUR LIFE: the ANGEL OF YOUR MORNING, the SYRUP TO YOUR PANCAKES, your SIN, your SOUL, your PALHONCHO, your AMIGOLORD.

Your DRUM MAJOR.

* * *

  


You have basically been in love with John Egbert since junior high and are continually stymied by his **UTTER STUPIDITY** and BULLSHIT “HETEROSEXUALITY." You care about him so much that the sensation is akin to a severe intestinal infection. He is the most beautiful and irritating carbon-based lifeform to inhabit any universe. John is your best friend and chronic prom date and you make one hell of a team, despite both odds and logic. Nobody fucks with you two.

At this moment you should be paldancing with him like he wanted. Are you?

No. No, you goddamn tool, because you’re FOREVVER ALONE.

  


  


\--SHOW PROM LOG--

kar this is it

WHAT.

wwere completely wwashed up

this is the last prom wwe are evver goin to partake in and wwe couldnt get our act together evven after all a these years

all endin up on the couch again wwith a tiny bottle a gatorade and a wwhole can a strawwberry quik cause wwe cant evven find the icecream through our miserable glubbin tears

all eatin it dry wwith a spoon

FIRSTLY: DO NOT LUMP ME IN WITH THE SPECTACULAR BUTTFLIP YOU HAVE MADE OF YOUR PERSONAL LIFE. SECONDLY: SHUT UP.

You hate it when Eridan is remotely right about anything.

* * *

  


Eridan is kind of your bro, when all is said and done. He is also supremely whiny but he's been there for you through thick, thin and Terezi, so he might be a **NEEDY FISHY HIPSTER COLOR GUARD DICK** but he's **YOUR NEEDY FISHY HIPSTER COLOR GUARD DICK.** You two are sharing the bitter, Faygo-tasting swill they call loneliness, but it's better than chugging alone.

\--SHOW PROM LOG--

kar do you remember the middle school promise you made

THE SCLERA-PEELING EYESORES PASSING FOR SENIOR PROM DECORATION HAVE REMOVED ALL HORSESHIT FROM MY IMMEDIATE MEMORY. SO YOU PROBABLY, UH, CAN’T HOLD ME TO ANYTHING, CONSIDERING THA

kar you said if wwe both ended up ten swweeps and didnt net anyone and john didnt notice you wwere alivve on account a him bein a bassinine nooksuck like you said wwe should take the plunge and just get

  
_together_   


  


The situation is swiftly going critical.

  
==> KARKAT: SURVEY SHITHOLE.   


* * *

There he is, mashing his body up against the unscrupulous A-cup villainy of Vriska Serket’s. They dance like two weasels massaging their hips together. Also, the weasels are drunk.

This would be more unbearable if she wasn’t his moirail, but she still feeds off his attention like an emotional Rainbow Drinker (no offense to other moirails you know). It is a situation completely different and not at all comparable to how you like to hang out with John.

Seriously, that’s practically an act of charity. It is you flinging yourself on a blathering Egbert grenade, saving civilians from having to listen to the latest deep-text interpretation of _Moonstruck._ Fucking heroism itself!

I mean, you like _Moonstruck_ way more than Vriska does.

YOU’RE NOT JEALOUS

  
==> CONTINUE SURVEYANCE   


* * *

Over at the refreshments table the AHS Prom Committee has provided an exquisite libation of pink shit.

The watchful vanguards of the dancefloor have set up in front. This consists of MS. LALONDE, a woman as curvaceous and cunning as she is **DRUNK.** She is arm in arm with MR. EGBERT, known to you colloquially as JOHN’S DAD.

An hour ago John demanded his Dad take prom polaroids of you both that were more “bromantic!" and “palssionate!". He then re-tied your tie thirteen times. Mr. Egbert proceeded to present a cake bearing the legend:

  
CONGRATULATIONS ON THE LAST DANCE WITH YOUR CLOSE PLATONIC FRIEND   


You can’t believe he fit all that on. The man is a true icing gymnast.

  
==> CONTINUE PERUSING PROM PURGATORY   


* * *

Speaking of purgatory: there she is, the middle school love of your life. All five foot two inches of her grinding her glacier sharp hips into every guy and girl on the dance floor like she's trying to saw them off at the midpoint. Her tongue lolls out from between her serrated teeth. Ominously.

Suddenly she's looking (smelling!) right at you!

  
==> KARKAT: FUCKING ABSCOND   


* * *

You cannot abscond because Eridan is holding your wrist so sweetly and so gently.

\--SHOW PROM LOG--

H4H4H4, LOOK1NG "COOL" K4RK4T.

GO AWAY.

YOU SHOULD COM3 D4NC3 W1TH M3!

FUCK NO. I DON'T THINK I'VE GROWN SKIN BACK ON MY STOMACH FROM THE LAST TIME YOU GOT YOUR CLAWS INTO ME AT ONE OF THESE ASININE EVENTS.

BESIDES, WHAT ABOUT STRIDER?

  


Strider is leaning against the far wall, near the punch and trail mix. He looks devastatingly cool. It makes you sick.

D4V3 4ND 1 H4V3 4N “OP3N PROM R3L4T1ONSH1P" H3H3H3.

ill dance wwith you rez

UH 4CTU4LLY ON S3COND THOUGHT 1 H4V3 4 F3W “TH1NGS" TO T4K3 C4R3 OF.

H3H3H3H3.

UGH. YOU ARE CACKLING EVEN MORE THAN USUAL. WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?

OH, “NOTH1NG".

Her grin suggests that it is most certainly not “nothing". The fact that she makes air quotes around the word doesn’t help.

UH HUH.

4NYW4YS, WH3NS K4N4Y4 G3TT1NG H3R3?

  
==>KARKAT: DIVINE THE LOCATION OF YOUR MOIRAIL   


* * *

You do not fucking know the location of your moirail! Where is she in your hour of need!?!?!?

WHO KNOWS? I ESTIMATE SHE’LL ARRIVE WHEN SHE HAS FINISHED STRIP-MINING LALONDE’S ADENOIDS. AT SOME POINT SHE WILL DIMLY REMEMBER THE BOY CALLED ‘KARKAT’, A POOR SOUL SUFFERING IN THE ABSENCE OF HER PALEST OF MINISTRATIONS.

AT THAT POINT I IMAGINE SHE WILL SHRUG NONCHALANTLY AND CONTINUE EXPLORING THE MYSTERIES OF THE FEMALE HUMAN BODY WITHOUT PAUSE OR HEED FOR MY VERY REAL SUFFERING!

. . . SO TH4TS 4 NO?

==>KARKAT: STARE FLATLY.

* * *

Terezi shrugs and bids you farewell kind of flippantly, grinding her way across the dancefloor towards her insufferable prick of a boyfriend.

That conversation was completely pointless! And Eridan...

...is still holding your wrist. His gaze is turning wistful. You might even caution to call it... HOPEFUL.

  


Egbert and Vriska are now mulching their bodies together in a grotesque homage to _Dirty Dancing_ , though apparently John’s lost the argument and is having to be Jennifer Grey. As for you, asshole? You’ve crashed on Eridan Commitment Mountain, and night is falling fast.

His grip is damp and really disconcerting. You gotta get out of here.

  
==> BUT HOW?   


* * *

>Contemplate an act of desperation so deep and unfathomable as to be unspeakable in order to draw Egbert’s attention.   
Dance with Eridan.

Why not?

Actually, that’s an easy question to answer. Ampora is like an Ingenious Cylindrical Device Which Locks The Fingers Of The Stupid Or Gullible Inside It, a classic interrogation tool of the League of Legislacerators that for SOME STRANGE REASON human children are given as playthings. The point is, once you go down that road you might not get back out.

On the other hand...

  
==>FONDLY RECALL A SCENE FROM ONE OF YOUR FAVOURITE MOVIES   


* * *

You fondly recall a scene from the classic troll romantic comedy, _A Green Blooded Troll Develops Flushed Feelings For The Neutral Party In His Auspistice And Is Forced To Go Through Several Rigorous and Roundabout Tasks That Serve Little Logical Purpose Except To Contritely Move The Plot Forwards By Means of Pithy Sight Gags In Order To Win The Affections Of His Future Matesprit. These Sight Gags Include Four Fatal Defenestrations, Two Misdirected Assassinations, Five Humorous Decapitations and One Simulated Sex Act With a Hoofbeast. In The End The Green Blood And His Former Auspistice Are Able To Consummate Their Newly Blossomed Red Romance When The Third Member Of The Ashen Triangle Is Eliminated In a Bombing Raid on An Alien Planet._

In this movie there was a scene where the protagonist performed a traditional Alternian Death Dance with his Commanding Officer in order to make his Auspistice jealous.

 _And it totally worked._

Many people have lied to you in your life, but never the romcoms. This has to work.

  
==>DANCE...... WITH............ ERIDAN......   


* * *

This is a thing that is happening.

\--SHOW PROM LOG--

oh my cod kar are you searious

NOW. BEFORE I COME TO MY SENSES.

You dance with Eridan “for real". You even deign to allow him a soggy waist-grab. You drape your arms over his shoulders limply, so as not to encourage contamination.

But your eyes are on Egbert the whole time.

* * *

  


Does he notice? Does he hell.

He and Serket are too busy making the floor their own personal playground for assholes. John is way too into dancing. Once he starts, you can be assured his limbs will be flailing out of time to each other right up until the last note of “Toxic."

He is like this with you, too. It makes you ~~swoon~~ ~~nauseous~~ ~~get a migraine in your inflating cardiac sac~~ sick.

But wait, what light through yonder buckteeth breaks?

\--SHOW PROM LOG--

hey, karkat! hi, eridan! you guys rocking out?

Hi, assholes!!!!!!!!

hi john hi vvris dont mind us  
wwe are simply dancin in a wway some wwould say is quietly passionate

haha, i can see. karkat, are you trying to make me “frienvious"?

DON’T SAY YOUR SINGLE BRAIN CELL IS ALREADY YEARNING TO CLASP ME IN YOUR ARMS TO SPANDAU BALLET.

all of my single brain cells yearn for that, karkat. all of them. they yearn so hard i think my pitabread gland just squirted out yearning.

PITUITARY. THIS IS WHY WE ARE FAILING BIOLOGY LIKE THE MISERABLE FUCKS WE ARE.

i meant my pitabread gland.

What John means to say is until such a time as stupid moron music comes on for jerks, “Ms. New 8ooty" is OUR jam.

no prob i can wwonder at howw perfectly right kar feels in my embrace til then

dude, keep him warm for me.  
vriska and i have to bust a groove!

Of course, the Committee has sourced the same tone-deaf shitbag DJ they pay in Fro-Yo coupons every year. There is every probability he will play “Spice Up Your World" for three hours straight.

kar you knoww through some complicated legal loopholes wwe are like 3/4ths matesprits ovver here

I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU ARE TRYING THAT FUCKING LINE ON ME. AGAIN.

seadwweller culture

  
==> HE HAS TRIED THIS LINE ON EVERYONE, INCLUDING OTHER SEA DWELLERS.   


* * *

This cannot stand. You have to dump Eridan and change the music before his hands invade further south of your hips.

But he’s got a taste of blood now. He’s not going to detach until you pawn him off on a better target. Someone who can give you a few minutes of leeway. Hey, maybe even someone who will fall thoroughly in love with the guy and ~~alleviate your guilt~~ take him off your hands.

Or hate. Or myopic lust. You really don’t care at the m

 _shit his hands are travelling_

  
==>KARKAT: FIND SOMEONE BEAUTIFUL FOR ERIDAN TO DANCE WITH.   


* * *

Your best chance is to find someone attractive enough by the guy’s standards (breathing), but who might not run away when presented with a faceful of Eridan Ampora (like anyone who knows him).

The room is filled with beautiful people. There are so many to choose from. Just check out Captain Buttchin and the Duchess Saucereyes over there. But who is this mysterious stunner with the glass of glowstick fluid?

You pick her straightaway. Escaping in that evening gown would be a bitch, for one.

\--SHOW PROM LOG--

ERIDAN, DO YOU SEE THAT “FINE EXAMPLE" OF A WOMAN?

yeah kar but thats

NO. DON’T SAY A WORD. I THINK YOU SHOULD GO TALK TO HER.

kar are you out a your coddamn MIND wwhat the

I HAVE ALL OF YOUR BEST INTERESTS AT MY INNARDS.

wwait thats

Too late. You push Eridan at the **MYSTERIOUS SWANKY WOMAN** , and then you make your ESCAPE. You sly devil. Thinkpan like a heavy-duty nuclear furnace, that’s you. Wit of three foxbeasts taped together. Body of a brick.

* * *

You realise your mistake too late.

Which is weird, considering that Eridan removed his glasses to pucker his features into grotesque seductiface and you’ve got perfect vision. You could put this down to either your IMMENSE STRESS or your COMPLETE STUPIDITY.

You have thrown your sad seadweller bro right into the arms of the witchqueen of Felt High, the mistress of their marching band, and Mr. Noir’s hate-date. The woman who once melted a whole brass section into slag with a twitch of her eye, then sashayed off with her hips moving inside her dress like two cats fighting to death.

Those were Mr. Noir’s words, incidentally. He added more, but that stuff was unrepeatable.

==>YOU PROVE YOURSELF A COWARD WHO WOULD DESERT A DYING MAN.

* * *

Look, who can blame you? You are a man with a mission and Eridan is a man with wandering hands who maybe needs to learn some sort of cautionary tale you’ll figure out the moral to later. Right now you’re working on your own happy ending and that sure as hell is not happening if this DJ keeps playing the entire soundtrack to Dirty Dancing all night. You need a REPLACEMENT DJ and there is only one man who can help you.

==>BEGRUDGINGLY ENLIST THE HELP OF DAVE MOTHERFUCKING STRIDER

* * *

Dave Motherfucking Strider is currently leaning against the wall with his hands in his pockets, the traditional mating pose of coolkids. It's also the traditional everything pose for coolkids because coolkids are infuriating shit-stains who can't just admit that they dance like limbless tree-howlers drunk on soured hoofbeast milk.

Nevertheless, this asshole is your only hope. You have to get him behind those turntables if it's the last thing you do! Unfortunately, right now he appears to be distracted.

\--SHOW PROM LOG--

STRIDER, GET OFF YOUR LAZY, PALE HUMAN ASS AND KICK THIS LOSER OFF THE STAGE.

ONLY YOU ARE A BAD ENOUGH DUDE TO SAVE PROM. OR HOWEVER THAT GOES.

nope

WHAT DO YOU MEAN NOPE? DON'T YOU DELIGHT IN THIS SORT OF SHIT?

DO YOU NOT RELISH ANY CHANCE IN WHICH YOU ARE OFFERED THE CHANCE TO "SHOW UP" SOME "FOOL" WITH YOUR "SLICK MOVES" AND "ILL BEATS" THAT ARE GUARANTEED TO "INCAPACITATE" THEM, LEAVING THEM EMPTY AND HOLLOW TWITCHING IN A PUDDLE OF THEIR OWN "SHAME"?

yeah but

BUT WHAT?

look vantas gonna be honest but i got a great view here

==>FOLLOW STRIDER'S LINE OF SIGHT

* * *

Strider is..... staring at Terezi's ass as she leans over the punch.

dude im not moving from this spot

look at all that junk in her trunk

STRIDER, THERE IS NOTHING THERE.

Why are you discussing Terezi’s ass? GET BACK TO BUSINESS.

You cease seriously unbecoming asstalk and return to business. Once upon a time, you were going to marry that ass. You would have loved and cherished that ass as the only ass in your life.

==>HAVE A FLASHBACK TO THAT ONE TIME IN MIDDLE SCHOOL THAT YOUR LIFE WAS OVER

* * *

TEREZI, I AM GOING TO LOVE AND CHERISH EVERY PART OF YOU, EVEN THE PARTS THAT ARE NOT STRICTLY THERE, FOR THE REST OF MY NATURAL LIFE.

H4H4 OK4Y

And then she broke it off and broke your heart. She tried to touch your hands for stupid reasons. She told you it on the phone because I guess she wasn’t man enough to tell it to you in your face.

==>BACK TO THE FUTURE, IDIOT

* * *

LOOK, STRIDER, YOU HAVE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD TO LOVINGLY CARESS THE FORTY-FIVE DEGREE ANGLES OF TEREZI’S PRETEND ASS WITH YOUR EYES. RIGHT NOW WE HAVE TO FOCUS UNLESS YOU WANT TO GREASE YOUR AURAL CANALS WITH “SHE’S LIKE THE WIND" ALL FUCKING NIGHT.

sure but whats in it for me

===>KARKAT: OFFER DAVE A BJ

* * *

Ridiculous. You do not have a bacon & jelly sandwich on you, nor the fixings to make one. Plus, you are pretty sure that humans find bacon & jelly sandwiches “gross." If it wasn’t for that you would offer Dave a BJ, and when he accepted that BJ, you would give him a BJ.

But it’s never to be. Humans are bullshit philistines.

What now?

==>OFFER TO SHARE EX-SOUL MATE'S MOST INTIMATE (MIDDLE SCHOOL) SECRETS

* * *

Of course! What better way to win an enemy’s favour than through blackmail of a mutual acquaintance, especially one that your enemy has concupiscent yearnings for! The acquisition of blackmail is one of the greatest romantic gestures in all of troll culture. If you share some of Terezi’s darkest secrets with this douche-nozzle, he will no doubt find himself so gripped in throes of gratitude that he will do anything you ask of him.

Except perhaps give you a BJ.

Man, you could really go for a bacon and jelly sandwich right about now.

HEY STRIDER. LISTEN UP. MAKE SURE YOUR ORATORY CANALS ARE CLEARED AND YOUR THINK PAN IS READY, I AM ABOUT TO LAY DOWN SOME INTENSE, HIGH GRADE GOSSIP. I AM GOING TO BRING IT. I WILL SET IT ON THE TABLE FIRMLY AND YOU WILL BE FORCED TO OPEN THE PACKAGE AND FACE THE BLINDING TRUTH ABOUT THAT ASS YOU ARE NO LONGER STARING LUSTFULLY AT.

what the fuck are you talking about

I JUST THOUGHT YOU WOULD LIKE TO KNOW.

know what

I THOUGHT YOU WOULD LIKE TO KNOW SOME DISTURBING FACTS ABOUT OUR MUTUAL “FRIEND", ONE TEREZI PYROPE. THE DEEPEST AND MOST SHUDDERING SECRETS OF HER YOUTH.

Does Strider look intrigued?

wait youre gonna like tell me shit about tz she hasnt told me

like you got some real nasty toejam month old encrusted shit under my soccer cleats dirt on the girl and you get what

I GET YOU AGREEING TO HELP ME THE FUCK OUT AND END THIS PURGATORY OF NOTHING BUT HUMAN PATRICK SWAYZE REFERENCES.

He definitely looks intrigued.

yeah okay vantas

what you got

WHAT I “GOT" STRIDER IS SO GOOD YOU BETTER TAKE THOSE ACCURSED BUT SO DELICATELY AND MUSICALLY INCLINED HANDS OUT OF YOUR POCKETS AND BRACE YOURSELF AGAINST SOMETHING SOLID BECAUSE THIS ONE IS GOING TO KNOCK YOU OFF YOUR FEET AND MAKE YOU RECONSIDER YOUR LIFE AND YOUR CHOICES.

sure

IN MIDDLE SCHOOL.

obviously

IN MIDDLE SCHOOL TEREZI HAD A CRUSH ON...

you

i know

i was pretty horrified

NO SHUT UP. IT WAS JUDGE JUDY OKAY.

AND NOT EVEN THE REGULAR TROLL JUDGE JUDY. THE TERRIBLE, HUMAN ONE.

okay

WHAT? OKAY? JUST OKAY?

WHERE IS YOUR DISGUST, YOUR DELIGHT, YOUR RELISH AT THIS EMBARRASSING SECRET FINALLY UNEARTHED?

dude i hate to inform you but terezi is still sweet on the scarlet haired temptress j boss

has pictures of her fuckin glued to the ceiling

every time i see that rictus grin my dick takes the emergency exit up into the meadowed haven of my urogenital folds all hey testicles how you been

long time no see wanna go for a drink

thanks karkat

thank you for reminding me why i am still a virgin

What a twist! Your brilliant plan has only made things worse!

==>KARKAT: DRAW SHITTY CARTOON ON NAPKIN.

* * *

All other approaches have failed. It looks like you’ll have to stoop to your last resort.

You will have to communicate with Strider in _his own language._

You grab a napkin from a nearby table and draw him some fucking instructions, since he obviously needs them.

==>PRESENT THIS GLORIOUS MASTERPIECE TO DAVE MOTHERFUCKING STRIDER AND AWAIT HIS REVERENT WEEPING

* * *

  


oh my god

YES, STRIDER. THIS IS A MESSAGE FROM GOD. AN INSTRUCTION MANUAL FOR THE INTELLECTUALLY CHALLENGED. A TWO STEP PLAN TO NOT FAILING SPECTACULARLY AT EVERYTHING YOU HAVE EVER ATTEMPTED TO ACCOMPLISH.

karkat this

am i supposed to be gently caressing the turntables exposed breasts there

am i teasing forth the sweet milky nectar of unmannerly rhymes

WHAT? NO!

FUCK YOU!

THOSE ARE RECORDS YOU MORON.

john looks like a block of gouda

NO, HE LOOKS LIKE A DISASTROUSLY HANDSOME MORON ABOUT TO BE RAVISHED BY HIS ONE TRUE LOVE.

what

UH, I MEAN.

YEAH HE KIND OF LOOKS LIKE A BLOCK OF GOUDA.

okay vantas you got me ill do it

for some reason the whole process seems a lot clearer to me now

* * *

Success! You reap the rewards of your hard work and watch as Dave initiates a STRIFE with the hapless and unsuspecting DJ. The poor guy doesn’t stand a chance.

WHAT NOW?

==>KARKAT: REVIEW INVENTORY

* * *

You fondly regard your vast collection of USELESS BULLSHIT.

 **CANDY CORN:** your prized confection. You keep it in your pocket where it can be marinaded deliciously in lint. Your moirail is crazy for this stuff.

 **THE KEY:** ...to your heart.

Actually, you have not the slightest lumpsquiddling idea what this is the key to. You are really carrying around a whole heap of unpleasant debris.

 **CORSAGE:** Generally a gentleman receives a boutonnière, but John showed up with a smile like two slabs of ricotta and a wink that could burn down the whole city. And you ended up wearing his corsage.

This happens every year. He phones you up beforehand to ask what colors you’re wearing. You only have one fucking suit, John.

 **WEIRD DOOHICKEY THINGAMAJIG:** What is this? What does it do, and where did it come from? What is its composition? It looks like a witch intestine.

 **PROM FAVOR:** The AHS Committee prides itself on its sumptuous prom favors. But it shouldn’t, because this is a dollar store taffeta bag with three animal crackers inside. The high-pitched bridal squeal Egbert emitted at his cannot be replicated.

What conspiracy lies within the AHS Prom Committee? Why are they attempting to seduce the love of your life? Who is John Galt?

 **TUNE SPECIBUS:** Sousaphonekind. A hero’s instrument. Eighty pounds of thunder and lightning on your shoulders.

Well, you are carrying around more shit than a septic tank. But you slip on the **CORSAGE.** Lookin’ smooth!

It has little rosebuds on it.

==>KARKAT: PROCEED TO SPITEFULLY DANCE WITH EVERYONE _BUT_ JOHN.  
==>FIND JADE HARLEY; AS SHE IS PRETTY COOL (EVEN THOUGH YOU'D NEVER ADMIT IT IN 1000 YEARS) AND CAN PROBABLY OFFER UP SOME ADVICE IN YOUR QUEST TO JOHN'S HEART.

* * *

HARLEY I REQUIRE ASSISTANCE.

omg karkat you are sooooo cute in a tux!

A-AM I REALLY? UH -

You are flustered for a moment, but soon regain your manful composure.

OF COURSE I AM.

of course you are! you are like a little prince!

R-REALLY?

lol, no. i have no idea what a troll prince looks like!!

and you don’t really look like a human prince either, but i still think you look........

She pauses dramatically, framing her face with her hands in a manner _way too reminiscent of her twin brother_ -

..... really cool!!!!!!

OKAY, HARLEY I NEED YOU TO SHUT YOUR WORD HOLE FOR A MINUTE HERE AND TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY. I HAVE A REAL, GENUINE PROBLEM HERE AND IT INVOLVES -

oh, is it about john again. ugh.

\- YOUR BROTHER IN A VERY INTGODDAMNIT HARLEY.

karkat i have some advice for you!!!!!!!

THAT WOULD BE A NICE CHANGE OF PACE. SPIT IT OUT!

kiss

him

right

on

the

mouth!!!!!!!!!!!

NO WAY. THAT’S WHAT YOU ALWAYS SAY. REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME?

==>FLASHBACK TO THE LAST TIME YOU KISSED JOHN RIGHT ON THE MOUTH

* * *

okay karkat, you go be the mysterious swimmer who i hauled out the ocean and i will be the lifeguard who resuscitates you with his mouth.

WHY ARE YOU MAKING A BACKSTORY FOR THIS?

and afterwards you're all "holy shit, i might have died!" and i'm like "ha ha, sir, it's nothing, just my duty as a lifeguard" and you're like "this is serendipity just like in one of my godawful romcoms and we should be bros forever, can i buy you curly fries."

JOHN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING. JOHN, WE ARE MEANT TO BE PRACTICING ON THAT PLASTIC DOLL CORPSE.

if i'm meant to put my hands on the breastbone between your nipples, what do i do if you don't have nipples?

YOU DON'T ATTEMPT TO GIVE ME CPR, OBVIOUSLY! EGBERT, YOU QUIT THIS HORSESHIT THIS INSTAMMPH MMPH MMPH

Nobody seemed to notice and/or care that John had hauled you down to practice rescue breathing and chest compressions. In fact, you recall people stepping over you. Salt was massaged liberally into the wound after by John proclaiming you tasted like "breakfast burrito!" and giving you a long, earnest explanation of how if you ever needed cardiopulmonary resuscitation, he now knew how to give it to you, and that knowing was half the battle.

He called it "cardibro resuscitation" afterwards. Egbert also claimed it stood for "conventional pal relationship."

==>SURELY THAT WAS THE FIRST INCURSION INTO KISS TERRITORY

* * *

that wasn’t a kiss, that was cpr you fuckass.

NO HARLEY. THE OTHER LAST TIME!

==>FLASHBACK TO THE OTHER LAST TIME YOU KISSED JOHN RIGHT ON THE MOUTH

* * *

the magic of theater is in how you become a totally different person on stage, karkat. a person who could smooch another guy right on the mouth and not even care!

JOHN, THERE IS NOT THE SLIGHTEST INSTANCE OF KISSING IN "DEATH OF A SALESMAN."

i am adlibbing!

YOU'RE PART OF LIGHTING CREW.

intersectionality!

SO AM I.

it's symbolic!

OF WHAMMPH MMPH MMPH

You then had a debate about how different brands of chapstick tasted, agreed Blistex was the best, realised you were both faint from hunger and consumed three boxes of orange Tic-Tacs united as one.

Like men.

==>THE FIRST VISIT TO KISS COUNTY?

* * *

uhhh, karkat!! a fake kiss does not even count!

AUGH. NO, I MEANT THE OTHER OTHER LAST TIME!

==>FLASHBACK TO THE OTHER OTHER LAST TIME YOU KISSED JOHN RIGHT ON THE MOUTH

* * *

Okay, the other other last time you kissed John right on the mouth was the Disney trip.

This after shenanigans involving Eridan, sixteen arguments, Vriska and Dave swordfighting on the diving board of the hotel pool, one unpleasant instance of puke, Mr. Noir explaining how he would plead not guilty at his inevitable murder trial and the innumerable times you lost Gamzee. It should have come to nobody's surprise you and John ended up alone, frazzled, and drinking vodka mixed with Heee Haw.

It turns out Heee Haw and vodka makes John a maudlin psychodrunk.

you have to promise we're going to be friends forever. like, forever forever, not just until we graduate forever. do you ever feel like when you think of forever, you get super horrified, karkat?

MAYBE. SOMETIMES.

geez, it's just that whenever i think about forever not having us being us in it i'm like, that's the saddest thing, that's the saddest song played on the shittiest guitar. i'm like, nope. i know that i've got issues, but you're pretty messed up, too. either way i've found out i'm nothing without you.

JOHN, THOSE ARE THE "MY LIFE WOULD SUCK WITHOUT U" LYRICS. YOU'RE ALSO RAMBLING WORSE THAN KANAYA AFTER YOU GIVE HER A BENADRYL AND SIT HER IN FRONT OF PROJECT RUNWAY RERUNS.

BUT I GUESS THE WAY I FEEL ABOUT YOU... I CAN'T ATTRIBUTE ANY LONGER TO THE EFFECTS OF LONG-TERM FOOD POISONING.

friends forever, okay!

YEAH.

FRIENDS FOREVER. "PALS." BANDCONSORTS, TUNECOLLEAGUES, "MARCHMATES", WHATEVER RIDICULOUS SHIT YOU WANT TO COME UP WITH. THAT'S US. THE UNIVERSE CAN RING OUT WITH THE WRETCHED, INSUFFLATING ANTHEM KNOWN AS JOHN EGBERT AND KARKAT VANTAS.

karkat what if we're not good at kissing when we get girlfriends?

WAIT, WHAT

we should practice so that when we get girlfriends, we will be total casanovas, hehe.

EXCUSE YOU, ASSHOLE, I ALREADY HAD A GIRLFRIEND AND I WAS AN AUDACIOUS TROLL CASANOVA WITH HER. BUT MY POINT IS THAT THIS WHIPLASH YOU'RE GIVING ME MIGHT BE TERMINAL --

are you irresistible? maybe if you drank heee haw with me, it would help, and if i could taste the preservatives in your mouth it would help. maybe if we drank heee haw wearing just t-shirts. if we smelled of heee haw, it would help. it would increase our casanova esteem. if you poured heee haw onto your body and were like, "drink this!". if you had heee haw dripping off your little button nose i could teach you. because then i'd have a purpose. to clean you off and that, that'd prove that i'm worth something. i'd lick you clean so that you can be this good when you kiss someone else!

JOHN, IF YOU KEEP TALKING I WILL FIGHT YOMPGHG MFFHG PFFGF.

Team Egbert-Vantas proceeded to have the world's most or least magnificent kiss, as the jury was out and too sickened to come back. For you it was 15% confusion, 20% stress, 40% love and 25% Heee Haw.

Neither of you spoke about it the next morning. The whole band had hangovers, and you were too ashamed of the fact that the closest you ever came to kissing Terezi was when she tried to convince you to let her yank out one of your baby fangs. She claimed she would pay you "DOLL4RS."

==>AND IF THAT EMOTIONAL PLAGUE OUTBREAK DIDN’T COUNT, NOTHING DAMN WELL DOES.

* * *

THAT WAS SUCH A FUCKING DISASTER.

no way! that actually went really well. it was super cute...

NO. IT WAS A DISASTER. HE WAS A DISASTER. I WAS A DISASTER. TOGETHER WE COMBINED OUR POWERS INTO A SINGLE SYMPHONY OF FAILURE, A WAILING CRESCENDO OF INCOMPETENCE. EIGHT LIMBS AND TWO WHOLE MOUTHS OF NOTHING BUT WET, STICKY SHAME.

ew, karkat, ewwwww.

YEAH OKAY. HUGE HELP AS USUAL. THANKS.

you asked for my professional opinion and my professional opinion is that you should stop being suck a spineless ninny fuckass and put your lips on his!!

go on, karkat. he’s taking a break from dancing and everything! i’ll be right here as back up!!

* * *

Jade shoves you out on to the dance floor and gives you a DOUBLE THUMBS UP! Oh man, oh God.

  
==>KISS JOHN EGBERT RIGHT ON THE MOUTH

* * *

  


You.....

~ IMPRUDENT JOHN KISSING AT 43% ~

You can’t. But now you are standing awkwardly in the middle of the dance floor looking like a fool, staring at the ceiling and wishing you were somewhere else instead.

==>KARKAT: ABSCOND! ABSCOND! SEEK WORDS OF CYNICAL AND INDIFFERENT ENCOURAGEMENT AND/OR SLANDER FROM BAND DIRECTOR THROUGH MOBILE TEXTING DEVICE.

* * *

Okay, first things first: when you find yourself in times of trouble, Mr. Noir is _not_ your immediate go-to guru. When it comes to choosing your own personal Jesus, your confidante, your secret-keeper, that guy is not even second on the list.

 **THE LIST**.

1\. Kanaya  
2\. Jade  
3\. Mr. Noir  
...  
56\. Eridan

Still, this is probably a good time to shout in the dazzling rave sequin of your moirail’s ear. She can stop sarcastically reaching second base in the depths of the women’s bathroom with Lalonde and start holding your hand before you eat all the grub puffs.

Wait. Where the miserable shit is your CELLPHONE?

==>INSTEAD, MAKE A BEE-LINE FOR THE SNACKS TABLE AND EAT ALL THE HORS D’OEUVRES. SLUG SOME SPIKED PUNCH TO BOOST THE KISS-O-METER.

* * *

You are a gutless fucking ninny! You abscond.

John’s Dad gives you a LOOK OF PARENTAL SYMPATHY as you hammer cupcakes into your maw, but this harms your aerating blood sac more than heals it. The other snacks are dry and gritty, like the grain silo of your soul. You should wash this down with alcohol and wait to become a teen statistic.

Only you can’t. There is nothing adulterated to drink. The vanguard of Mrs. Lalonde and Mr. Egbert have kept any and all moonshine shenanigans away from the table. You don’t have the requisite SLIPPERINESS stat to spike it yourself. That ladle will leave you stone cold sober.

And nauseous. That punch is filled with Squirt. Only Harry Potter likes that hog shit.

It would most likely send your Kiss-O-Meter plummeting back into a suspended state of Tavros-esque readiness.

==>SPEAKING OF TAVROS, HOW IS THAT NINNY FARING AT THIS GODFORSAKEN SHIT FEST?

* * *

As of this moment, Tavros Nitram is getting down with his imaginary best friend. By the looks of things, they will be heading towards imaginary first base by the end of the prom.

You know Tavros lives in misery: triangle beatboxing, unyielding Vriska persecution, horrible rap, Fiduspawn swapmeets and being concussed with Gamzee’s trombone, but you are _certain_ that he has a better quality of life than you. Look at him! Such imagination. Tonight he will definitely be spooning in a Heffalump’s soft embrace.

This reminds you that you have to get back to the dance floor. You are going to prove that you cannot be fucked around any more, John Egbert. You will dance with every asshole in the room and laugh and laugh and laugh. Everything will be chucklenuggets and nothing will hurt.

You better check out the asshole catalogue.

==>YOU CHECK OUT THE ASSHOLE CATALOGUE.

* * *

What a magnificent collection of assholes! They are truly horrid.

You are spoiled for choice. You could cut in on **TAVROS** and his chimerical chum, for instance! Or you could eat another sixteen cupcakes and wait for your arteries to clog.

There’s **FEFERI PEIXES** , radiant as a Necronomicon swagged up with unicorn stickers. She is so pretty. She is so _pretty fucking terrifying._ Surely you have Color Guard troubles enough without being swaddled in her powersnuggle.

Hooray! There stands **EQUIUS ZAHHAK** with **NEPETA LEIJON**. These two count as one unit. One dripping, glitterdusted unit, redolent with sweat and animes. Just in case you wanted to be sandwiched between Nyan Cat and a rust gym. Brushing any part of Nepeta’s epidermals will result in you being hauled behind a dumpster and STRONGLY e%horted to make an honest furry of her.

And then he’d tremblingly ask to touch your sousaphone. You would be riding the puke carousel.

Last, but not least (oh definitely _not least_ ) there is... what. What the fuck is **THAT THING**? Holy shit, did your teacher aside from inviting his malignant tumour - complete with teeth if not hair - of a hate date to prom, did he also managed to smuggle in their apparently psychopathic hate-child, born out of hatelock into a world of hate??? _Why is it wearing a jester’s hat?_ There is nothing pure or good in this world anymore.

==>GET SWEATY WITH TEAM MEOWRAIL. NEXT TO THEM, YOU MIGHT LOOK GOOD!

* * *

You have selected Team Meowrail. You are a fool.

D --> This is e%traordinarily inappropriate

:33 « this is the meowst amurrzing prom efur!

MY GOD. I AM STUCK BETWEEN A ROCK AND A CAT PLACE. HELP.

:00 « karkat, did you just... touch my hot butt??

OH, _SHIT_.

D --> E%cuse us for a moment, Nepeta

D --> This is the last and only straw

:33 « PEW PEW

>:33 « NEPETA WINS

It is as you feared. Equius drags you behind the gymnasium, and after ten minutes of diaphoretic terror the deed is done. You are betrothed to Nepeta Leijon, and by extension, him. They are simply that kind of moirallegiance.

You all get fucking matesprit married that fucking summer and John catches the fucking bouquet with the most bemused fucking expression on his face and Eridan cries the whole time.

:33 « aishiteru karchan my beautiful wedding peach <33

D --> I have always loved you  
D --> I will make you an honest troll Karkat  
D --> This I promise to you on the day of our precious wedding

:33 « high five!!

D --> Indeed

Your life is Doraemon and protein powder forever.

 ****** YOU HAVE DIED ******

 **ABORT/RESTART/RETRY?**

* * *

  


  


...

  


  


...

  


  


...

  


  


==> RETRY AND APPROACH THE HARLEQUIN HATE SPAWN. MAYBE EGBERT WILL NOTICE YOUR COURAGE IN APPROACHING SAID CALIGNOUS CLOWN BABY AND APPRAISE YOU.

* * *

You select your pistol, then, you select your chump.

Sure, why not? Picking the imp makes perfect sense. Look at its festive hat and risibly toed booties. You just get on over there and start to dance, knowing that this decision is the best and most logical one you could have made.

You have done wrong. You have assumed the imp would automatically want to dance with you; it does not. The imp finds you unattractive and your behaviour boorish.

It slinks off, burning with embarrassment and a hot, peculiar shame, but as a stroke of good fortune then totally clicks with Tavros who adopts it under the name _Kid Impcarus._

Time and kindness will help Kid Impcarus feel safe again. Sometimes the imp will still imagine the hot coals of your eyes upon it and your shitty attempt at the Mashed Potato, and know that though the nightmare may be over some other terrors are still intact.

You feel horrible. Your Kiss-O-Meter drops to 34%.

==>LET FEFERI GENTLY EMBRACE YOU AND DEVOUR YOUR WOES

* * *

\--SHOW PROM LOG--

S)()()()(, Karcrab! S)()()()()(.

I’M NOT EVEN MAKING ANY NOI --

I can tell w)(en someone is in awful -EMOTIONAL DISTR--ESS! I know w)(at you’re eeling, MIST-ER!

HOW IN MISERABLE TROLL HELL COULD YOU KNOW HOW I’M FEELING?

I know you’re lonely!

I can tell you’re frustrated and sad. You )(ave been trying a reely, reely long time! -Even I can see it. You’re always at t)(e end of of your line! Just flapping and wriggling and s)(outing.

I t)(ink you s)(ould concentrate on t)(is opportunaty to dance and )(ave a nice time for once.

It is a rare, strange day when Feferi Peixes is not only talking sense, but talking vaguely cockle-warming sense. Upped cockle temperature occurs. You still burn with humiliation that she can see your heart staked squarely to your sleeve, but the pain is a low-sugar, diet pain.

THIS IS NOT PART OF MY ACCEPTED PROM EXPERIENCE. MY PROM EXPERIENCE, OR ‘PROMSPERIENCE’, HAS TO INVOLVE THE SECOND-DEGREE BURN OF MY EMOTIONAL STATE CONSTANTLY EXPOSED TO LEMON JUICE AND VRISKA.

It’s okay to be sad, you know!

It’s okay to be sad and it’s even okay to be )(ateful. It’s okay to feel lost and un)(appy.

YEAH?

Y----ES! Gat)(er up all t)(ese t)(ings.

  
T)(---EN GIV---E YOUR BROK---EN SPIRIT TO T)(--E DARKN---ESS   


* * *

You spend the rest of the song with your tears dripping gently into her décolletage. The tense extremes of horror are lessening, and you feel queerly drawn toward the Color Guard instead of fearing it.

Eridan was wrong. Feferi smells enticingly of waterproof mascara.

  


\--PROM LOG--

hey, uh. can i cut in?

  


  


==>KARKAT: GO DARK.

* * *

You slip into the fabled slowdance trance of the senior highschoolers, quaking all the while in cupcake-fuelled throes of the refreshment table. You advise John not to be alarmed, as he is bathed in the miasma of corsage-shadow that radiates even now off the shitty decorations. Stupendous and unheard-of splendours await you, and you shall seek them soon.

But John fails not to be alarmed. This is because, as is now painfully obvious to anyone with a brain, you have basically gone completely off the deep end in every way.

You have officially gone promdark.

...

THIS

IS

STUPID

==> KARKAT: (ATTEMPT TO) MAKE CONVERSATION WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND.

* * *

SHRUGGOT.

er, is that a yes?

It’s up to Karcrab!  
Karcrab and the DARK, MANY-S-ERRAT--ED CLAW OF IN---ESCAPABL-E PROVID---ENC-E

THRETH FIB’TH SVUPET.

hehe. it’s just that i have your cellphone, dude! you left it in my coat pocket.

\-- OH. OH, SHIT. THANKS, EGBERT.

you have like six squillion kanaya messages. but i didn’t read them, scout’s honor!

JOHN, AT NO POINT IN YOUR LIFE WERE YOU EVER A GRUB SCOUT.

so can i friendthief this guy, miss peixes?

Go DANC----E, Karkat. 38)

This is it: your destiny. The final countdown. You have the moves, you know the streets. And the games will begin.

...

Who are you kidding? Pose as a one-man failure, because shit just deteriorated.

==> DANCE, ASSHOLE, DANCE.

* * *

\--PROM LOG--

sorry if i “interrupted!"

YOU ARE NOT SORRY IN THE SLIGHTEST. I COULD BE PLEDGING MY GLANDULAR FIDELITY IN THE MOST SOLEMN OF QUADRANT CEREMONIES AND YOU WOULD BUCKTOOTH YOUR WAY IN ALL, “DURRR, KARKAT, CAN I INTERRUPT? OF COURSE I CAN, YOUR PRIORITY IS ME AND MY BRAIN CELL."

wouldn’t i be your best man here, dude?

MY WHAT.

your best man. your support! your main ally in, um, this bro coterie? i am just saying that i am going to be at your wedding.

MAYBE AS MY WORST MAN.

haha, that wasn’t a bad one.

I KNOW, I AM FUNNY AS FUCK.

just as long as i’m your man somehow!

John winks at you in the rakish way he practiced for two hours in front of the mirror. You know he did, because you were there.

His eyes are the exact colour of Blueberry Roll-Up Snax™. You are so glad you can be mad at him anyway.

YOU ARE MY MAN LIKE A LEPER HAS LEPROSY. IT WASN’T ASKED FOR, IT WAS NOT PLANNED, AND NOW I HAVE TO BASE THE REST OF MY FUCKING LIFE AROUND WHAT PEOPLE ARE GOING TO THINK OF MY AWFUL APPEARANCE AND WAN MOANING. ALL MY PROTESTS ECHO UP INTO SPACE UNHEARD OF BY A GOD WHO LONG SINCE ABANDONED ME FOR THIS TRANSGRESSION.

==>THIS IS A LIE. FOR YOU, THERE WAS NEVER A GOD.

* * *

Over at the DJ table, Strider gives you the slightest of nods. Then he works his mystery moron magic and the song changes.

John’s eyes get big and round and he has the reaction any bulgemunch has to bad music: yanks you into an overclose embrace and wraps your arms around his neck. He looks nigh-on blissed out with stupidity. ~~How was anyone allowed to get so terrifyingly handsome~~

\--PROM LOG--

holy shit. ["open arms"](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2lLmYLw0WRI) is _our_ slowdance jam, karkat.

WE HAVE ABOUT FIVE “SLOWDANCE JAMS", AND ALL OF THEM ARE VILE.

except “open arms."

EXCEPT “OPEN ARMS."

This is a lie. You hate _Journey._ You hate the way that John in slowdance mode snuggles his cheek next to your temple and holds you in front of everyone and _doesn’t even care,_ how both of you by now have worked out the exact shuffle of each other’s bodies so if you step on his feet you are doing it on purpose. You hate how he locks his arms low on your waist tighter than an airplane seatbelt. You hate how if you both were any closer right now, you’d be epidermally fused or “Doing It."

You hate how instead of biting off an ear and punching his snout, you kind of deadweight your head on his shoulder and pretend you are having a nap. You are sure this brutal act convinces everyone around that you are not “cuddling". You have never cuddled. You will never cuddle.

You hate how John sings the lyrics as you dance.

\--PROM LOG--

so heeeere i aaaam

SHUT UP.

with oooopen aaaarms

SHUT UP.

hoping you’ll seeeee  
what your looove meeeans to me

SHUT UP.

open aaaarms

IT WILL BE BROKEN ARMS IN LESS THAN A SECOND.

we are the best at prom, dude. possibly ever.

OF COURSE WE FUCKING ARE.

You hopeless asstruck.

==>CONTINUE.

* * *

Then it happens: like the collapse of a democratic government into conservative hypertyranny or discontinuation of your favourite icecream flavour, inevitability rears its pustulent head.

(They never did make DOUBLE CHERRY CHOCOLATE BIRTHDAY CAKE GRUBCRUNCH again.)

John's hands touch your butt. There is butt touching. His fingers lieth not on the no-troll's-land between hips and gluteus: nay, they settle right the hell atop ass. You make a sound like a lawnmower failing to start, but this does not deter him. John simply places his hands there and carries on.

This is not the first time butt touch has eventuated. You have been butt touched before. You are an old, weary hand -- or butt -- at this. The memory is dim with Heee Haw, but that fateful Disney kiss involved way too much of him awkwardly patting your posterior. You will not even go into last year’s prom.

John Egbert has his hands on you. John Egbert is mumbling Journey lyrics into your hairline. John Egbert is probably three seconds off referring to you as his "hummingbird".

\--PROM LOG--

JOHN.

wanting you neeeeear

JOHN, STOP LETTING SHIT DRIBBLE FROM YOUR GIBBERHOLE AND. LISTEN. TO. ME.

what's up?

GOODNESS, I DON'T FUCKING KNOW! PERHAPS IT IS YOUR HANDSMILITIA STAMPEDING MY BUTTPRAIRIE???

your pants were wrinkled! i wanted to smooth them out.

You cannot believe the shit you are hearing.

nobody likes wrinkly pants. dad would have gone and thrown those in the dryer with half a cup of water and a bounce sheet. sorry, i didn’t mean to make you “furious".

  
_WHAT._   


so now i am touching your butt to cover up the fact that you had wrinkly pants. it is the “perfect plan"!

it’s okay, karkat. i care about you, right? i promise i’ll always touch your butt if i have to, because you’re my little hummingbird.

SDFJNKSFBJKSDFLK

uh, my

heterosexual

hummingbird.

hummingbro?

Then he squashes an inept kiss to your forehead.

So gently.

Your heart crunches like a stepped-on Cheeto.

==>KARKAT: LOSE IT.

* * *

  
I

AM

THROUGH

WITH

# YOUR

#  _ **SHIT**_

==>KARKAT: ABSCOND.

* * *

You abscond. Where? You cannot say. How long? For always. You have enough cupcake crumbs in your pockets to keep you alive indefinitely.

 _Goodbye forever._

==>EXIT KARKAT.

* * *

\--SHOW PROM LOG--

Lol!!!!!!!!

  


  


...

  


  


...

  


  


...

  


  


==>END OF ACT ONE

  



	2. INTERMISSION

  
==>INTERMISSION

John, I know you feel like a wet sack of shit at the moment!

8ut I want you to know that it's going to 8e ok. 8ecause no matter how 8othersome life gets and how much of a stupid turd dum8ass you can 8e when it comes to love, you'll 8e fine. Know why?

8ecause you have me!!!!!!!! 

And do you know what I have?

Don’t answer! You know already.

8ecause I have........

  


* * *

==>STEP ONE: ALWAYS 8E SEXY

* * *

Always 8e sexy. EVERY moment is a moment to 8e sexy in. 8e sexy at work, or around the home!

* * *

==>STEP TWO: SEXY ROLEPL8Y!

* * *

8e sure to invest in some SEXY COSPL8Y for SEXY ROLEPL8Y!

Is that hair ever inappropri8???????? Who knows.

I do. Answer: Nope!

If you attract d8s who are aroused 8y dragons, you are DOING IT WRONG. You are a useless piece of shit at 8eing sexy.

* * *

==>STEP THREE: FOR 8EST RESULTS, SU8STITUTE VODKA!

* * *

For 8est results, su8stitute vodka for all liquids.

uh, vriska not to be rude because these tips look totally useful and i am going to try them out immediately on a pretty girl whenever i have a chance but um...

John!!!!!!!! Are you dou8ting my sexy sex tips for h8ving sexxxxxxxxy sexxxxxxxx!?

no! not at all!

i’m just wondering how you managed to blingee a spiral notebook!

it looks so awesome!

I know!!!!!!!!

  


ALL liquids. Even your own!

* * *

==>STEP FOUR: YOU ARE A WINNER. WINNERS ONLY STRIKE HOME RUNS!!!!!!!!

* * *

First and second bases are for chumps! Go str8 for the goods! Nobody bothers with the salad bar, John!!!!!!!!

* * *

==>STEP FIVE: M8KE YOUR SEX LIFE EXTEMEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

* * *

Is it a vehicle!

Do it!!!!!!!!

Is it moving?

EVEN 8ETTER!

IS THERE A CHANCE YOU WILL DIE????????

um. go for it?

John, you are catching on!

gosh, vriska, that sounds kind of dangerous!

Duh, of course it does, John. 8ut it’s super sexxxxxxxxy.

it’s just that even though i heard that the french call um.... “it” the “mini-death” or whatever, i think maybe that was just a metaphor...

Sexy sex rule five and a half, John... all metaphors are real and can 8e really _sexxxxxxxxy._

* * *

  
=>STEP SIX: 8E ON TOP   


* * *

If you’re not on top, SOMETHING IS WRONG.

You are my moirail which means you are the 8est and the 8est is always on top. It means you are the winner!

but rose always says -

Rose is a 8oring old ninny. 8oring 8oring 8oring!!!!!!!! John, get it together! Is this 8ook c8lled ‘Rose Lalonde’s Unsexy Sex Tips For Dowdy Middle Aged English Professors?’ No! It’s Vriska’s Sexy Sex Tips For People Who Are The 8est Like Her Moirail John Egbert’!!!!!!!!

  


wow, vriska. it’s like you wrote this book _just for me._

That’s only your imagin8ion!

...why would you draw that?

Shhhhhhhh, John. Only tips now! Now listen up, the last two tips are the most important!

  


* * *

=>STEP SEVEN: CHOOSE AN APPROPRI8 SEX VENUE

* * *

wait, wasn’t the moving vehicle the appropriate sex venue?

No, that was for foreplay! John, you are soooooooo naive!

okay so what is an appropriate sex venue?

you mean, like, a bed??

Yes! Like a 8ed........

........that is also ON FIRE!!!!!!!! :::;)

oh man! i never would have thought of that!

vriska, you’re so smart!

I know!!!!!!!!

  


* * *

=>STEP 8: 8E MINDFANG

* * *

woah.

Woah is right! No one is as sexxxxxxxxy as Mindf8ng! She had all the 8a8es and 8itches!

vriska, i don’t think i am ready for this much sexiness!

No, not yet. But you will 8e. I will train you myself!!!!!!!!

And those are the sexy sex tips. 88% of the time, they work EVERY time. You will 8e unstoppa8le!

vriska, you are the smartest virgin i know.

Yeah! ::::D

  


  


  
*****VIRGIN SNUGGLE HIGH-FIVE COMBO*****

 *****THEY HAVE NEVER HAD AN IRON IN THEIR FIRE*****

you’re the best. i can’t wait for us to raise a bunch of moirail babies together.

John, I speak for the whole world when I say NO8ODY can wait for that.

but wait.

vriska, i’ve never had a girlfriend.

who were you hoping i’d use your sexy sex tips for having sexy sex on?

........ ::::/

vriska?

You are so dum8!!!!!!!!

  


  


  
=>END INTERMISSION   



	3. ACT TWO

  


The [DJ takes the wheel](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKTQ8tH8c5Q). You will be passive-aggressive at Dave Strider later.

In any case, your name is **KANAYA MARYAM** and you’ve had a LONG NIGHT.

It sure was eventful encountering, dispatching and disposing of that GUERILLA ZOMBIE HORDE, a job you are uniquely suited for given your darque majesty of the night. It is such a puzzle as to why the HEINOUS BROODS OF THE UNDEAD all decided to come out at once, en masse, on the night of your senior prom. You have taken down SHADOWMAUNTS, HATE WRAITHS and BONE WIZARDS aplenty.

You even eschewed SLOPPY PRE-PROM MAKEOUTS with the girl you have been dancing an elegant sneer tango with since junior high. This is because you are a LADY, and a LADY puts ZOUNDS OF SKELETONS before her baser needs. Sometimes you wish you were a little less of a LADY.

What you’re really worried about is the state of your dear moirail. But you shouldn’t. You are certain his lack of a reply to your nine squillion texts means everything is fine, and at this very moment he and John might even be mapping each other’s oral cavities with their sucking apparatus. Later on you’ll all get together and joke about it, and you will laugh and laugh and laugh.

John Egbert is a dirty disgusting moirallegiance homewrecker, but Karkat is the DIAMOND-PALE LOVE OF YOUR UNLIFE so you guess everything worked out well for you. John is a good man, even if he is thermodynamically dense, and he and your moirail are Euphemistically Very Close Friends. There is no way this can utterly fuck up.

It’s time to KICK ASS and CHEW BUBBLE GUM.

Oh dear. You have thoroughly kicked all the ass, and gum is a dental sin.

  
==> IN THAT CASE, IT’S PROBABLY TIME FOR PROM.   


* * *

First things first. Etiquette demands satisfaction.

\--SHOW PROM LOG--

This very nearly assuages the pain of being stood up, Albrecht. The host of brutal separation anxieties I bred in your absence are all but dissolved.

I Will Inform You When Kissing Time Is Over And Complaining Time Has Begun

You put forward the motion that Kissing Time has not yet reached its termination point. Rose and you discuss the limitations of this brief. With your mouths.

Ok I Guess The Floor Is Now Open For Complaints Criticisms Remonstrances And General Beefs

Charming. You automatically assume I want to grouse?

Of Course You Do

Bitches Love Wails

...

Maryam, I wish I could quit you.

  
==> KANAYA: DIVINE THE LOCATION OF YOUR MOIRAIL   


* * *

The location of your moirail is for once not clear to you! Where could he have possibly gone in your hour of need!?

The dance floors throng with promgoers. Over at the refreshments table Ms. Lalonde and Mr. Egbert cast a benign eye over both brownies and slowdancers, making sure nobody breaches less than six inches of separation.

Finding Karkat in this mess is a challenge, but one you’re uniquely suited for. You are so used to locating angry, short people that you find yourself herding children with tantrums in crowds.

\--SHOW PROM LOG--

Don’t ask me. I have no talent for this particular game of _Where’s Waldo?._ This may also be because I spent the last ten minutes waiting outside, wondering when my date would deign to grace me with her presence.

The Night Hordes Wait For No Prom Miss Lalonde

I have horrorgaunt blood on my dress.

And You Look Stunning

Good save.

There is no Karkat on the dance floor, where you are caught in the conundrum of what precisely Feferi is wearing (however, Her Hair Is Fierce). Eridan Ampora sits abandoned in a corner with a thousand-yard stare and a wilting quiff, making this prom like every other prom you have ever attended. Karkat is not at the tables. Karkat is not by the cupcakes. Karkat is not by the Oregon Trail leading to the ladies’ bathroom.

Not by the cakes. Not by the stair. You cannot find him anywhere.

  
==>KANAYA: BE HARDBOILED   


* * *

You are good at many things -- fighting, fashion, and dipkissing beautiful women -- but you are also good at solving mysteries. Many a mystery have you solved. Famous ones include _The Terezi’s Saxophone Smell Mystery, The Missing Bathroom Stall Doors Mystery, Mystery Of The Nasty Cafeteria Food_ and your maiden voyage, _Twelve Go On A Middle-School Journey To Prod A Used Condom With A Stick That Gamzee Found (Which Is To Say He Found The Stick Not The Used Condom)._

In a hardboiled manner, you pick the variable that seems the most unusual. The line for the girls’ toilet is often slower than snails in the throes of lovemaking, but this is ridiculous.

This nervous broad explains the situation. It appears the door has been locked for fifteen minutes, and subsequently nose-powdering is at an all-time low.

  
==>INVESTIGATE.   


* * *

The bathroom door is shut tight! No amount of rattling the handle will persuade it to open. You even give it a polite Rainbow Drinker shove, but it remains implacable.

\--SHOW PROM LOG--

I am loath to participate. Inevitability demands I will somehow end up your sidekick.

Oh Dear Then The Sexual Tension Will Become More Pronounced Than Ever

Does that door even lock from the inside?

Not As Far As I Can Tell

Curiouser And Curiouser

You place your ear to the door. You can hear familiar, muffled hiccoughs coming from within. All your moirail senses go off in unison, like the oven timers of your heart.

Oh Dear

GO AWAY.

Please Come Out My Darling Blubbering Pansy

This Is Not Even Your Bathroom And There Are A Lot Of Detrimental Side Effects To Not Being Able To Pee Like My Understanding Is That It Contributes To A Couple Of Diseases And In Any Case Is Not At All Nice To Deal With

NO. THAT IS FINAL. I WILL LIVE OUT THE REST OF MY DAYS IN THIS BATHROOM AND DIE UNDERNEATH THE AIR DRYER, LETTING MY BODY MUMMIFY SO IT CAN BE SHOWN AROUND SCHOOLS AS WARNING TO WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TRY TO FUCKING _LOVE SOMEONE_.

Karkat You Are Being An Inconvenience And Nobody Can Reapply Their Mascara

DAMN THEIR MASCARA! DAMN IT TO HELL!

This is certainly a difficult case to solve. Your moirail has become recalcitrant, and you are going to have to tread delicately if you want to save unfreshened lipstick and rupturing bladders any time soon.

  
==>BE _SUPER_ HARDBOILED!   


* * *

**WRONG FAN ADVENTURE, STUPID**

  
==>KANAYA: CONSIDER.   


* * *

_The sensible thing to do is probably to talk to John. The troll thing to do is probably to talk to Vriska as John's moirail._

It is obvious that you have walked in on a promtastrophe.

When a prom becomes contentious, one can intervene and become the social lubricant that keeps the engine from seizing. You had already made plans to insure that the hoot would remain in this hootenanny, and it is time to put those plans in place. What’s more, you must now take extra steps to repair damage done in your absence. It’s up to you.

For only you have the necessary talents to PROMSPISTICE. Without a promspistice, the prom will degrade from _Adequately Okay_ to _Worse Than Tavros’ Wiggling Day Parties_. It will lead to social complexity and sore feelings, and eventually over the speakers will come the Cluckbeast Dance. This is the universal sign of promspisticing failure.

You are the PROMSPISTICE, and the party does not start until you butt in.

Aw geez, this means negotiating with your wretchedly beautiful ex-moirail. Just like a chump.

  
==>DELEGATE COLLEAGUE.   


* * *

\--SHOW PROM LOG--

Rose I Must Go This Party Needs Me

Perhaps you recall the year Jade developed tonsilitis, and you thoughtfully infected everyone susceptible so that a field trip would be put off.

It Was The Zoo Rose And I Held The View That If One Of Us Could Not See A Bonobo Then None Of Us Should See A Bonobo

Maryam, you are a happiness communist.

Are You Saying You Remain Uninterested In The Chance To Meddle Because Id Assumed I Knew You Better Than That

Requisite bitching, that’s all. As though I would ever leave John in the lurch.

I am as ever your weapon to wield.

Oh My Yes

You explain to Rose her mission. She cottons on instantaneously. This is because she has a mind like a Cuisinart and the spirit of a true meddlewarrior, and you know she will fulfill her obligations 100%. Possibly 110%, complete with a little handwritten paean to the endless joys of being your prom date. She is class itself.

Both of you promise that each moment apart will be agony unending, and then you get to it.

  
==>APPROACH VRISKA   


* * *

When trolls come into non-caliginous conflicts, it is common for their moirails to slip a quiet word in each other’s whispervents. It could be argued that you and Vriska Serket should have slipped words when John first started holding Karkat’s hand for “street-crossing purposes”. It could be argued you should have intervened when he started playfully rubbing grass in Karkat’s hair. Your counter-argument is that people can bite your radiant Rainbow Drinker glutes.

You may number Vriska a friend, but you will never forget the chunky purée she made of your heart.

Upon approach your ex-moirail has assumed the sexiest position she can.

\--SHOW PROM LOG--

Wow, Fussyfangs! What’s a nice girl like you doing at a 8oring old prom like this?

Hello Vriska

I Like Your Shoes And Dress Despite Them Having Little Explicable Relation To Each Other

And I like your face. Oh w8t, no I don’t! Because you look like you’re about to start meddling. >::::(

Yes I Was Planning On Meddling And If You Were Interested At All In Playing The Role Of Responsible Pale Life Partner You Would Also Be In The Process Of Meddling

However I Know From Experience That You Tend To Be Unfortunately Shortsighted In Manners Of The Heart

And Also In Most Manners

Ouch! What a sick 8urn! Have you been t8king lessons from Strider, Kanaya! I’ve got third degree scabs from how sick that was!

Your Attitude Is Not Appreciated At The Moment Vriska This Is Serious

Of course it’s serious. This prom is m8jorly laaaaaaaame ever since you walked in and sucked all the fun out of the room!!!!!!!!

  
==>   


* * *

Vriska Would You Please Stop Attempting To Elicit A Confrontational Response From Me And Accompany Me To A More Private Alcove In Order To Discuss A Most Pressing Situation Concerning Our Moirails

Pfft, whatever. The John and Karkat disaster is old news. I already took c8re of it.

I See

And How Did You Take Care Of It

Vriska gestures towards the table where John is still reading through the _Sexy Sex_ tips with an expression of near religious concentration on his handsome face.

Vriska That Is Not Taking Care Of It

Well excuuuuuuuuse me princess!!!!!!!!

What would you suggest???????? ::::/

Please Come With Me

  
==>ABSCOND TO A PRIVATE ALCOVE   


* * *

\--SHOW PROM LOG--

This is the dum8est alcove ever!!!!!!!! It smells like ta8lecloth.

I Dont Care We Have Bigger Fish To Put In Our Pan And Lightly Sauteé

Okay, I guess we can get down to 8usiness. If I fall asleep in the middle of you descri8ing how your moirail is dehydrated from crying all the time, just joggle my el8ow.

Vriska I Am Not Going To Joggle Anything

You Had Better Give Me Every Reassurance Of How Your Moirail Is Going To Get His Act Together Or Ill Get His Act Together For Him

And By That I Mean Id Take Karkat Home And Give Him Empowering Literature About Not Settling Possibly After Watching The Sisterhood Of The Travelling Pants

Oh, come on. Even Karkat knows that John would be the 8est and sexiest thing to ever happen to him. He should 8e gr8ful that John gives him the time of day. 

It’s John who would be stooping here. Literally!

Anyway, this is all going gr8. Just according to plan!

Wait, what.

What Plan

My master plan, Fussyfangs. THE plan. The plan I have 8een putting together all along a8out this stupid rel8ionship.

Are You Saying That Johns Behaviour Towards Karkat Has In Any Way Been Influenced By You

Well -

You lose your shit.

  
==>KANAYA: LOSE YOUR SHIT  


* * *

_Are You Saying That Johns Behaviour Towards My Moirail Has In Any Way Been Influenced By You_

You c8n’t threat8n m8!

Vriska

You Wrong My Rail You Clean My Pail

Wh8t????????

You Wrong My Rail

You Clean My Pail

J8sus!!!!!!!! You’re getting the wrong idea, Kanaya! I am the queen of the Serket roulette. Everything will come right. You’ll see! Don’t worry about your stupid dum8 jerk and his multitude of ways to make things stupider.

Everything is under control. When have I ever let you down?

Well

D8n’t answ8r th8t.

I like your dress, Fussyfangs.

Thank You

Vriska assures you that she is about to take action. Do you trust her to do so? Do you trust whatever plan she has up her sleeveless dress? Or are you just overwhelmed by the fact that John Egbert cannot even be bothered to run a brush through her god damn hair?

She is obviously not using the right type of conditioner. She needs the bottle marked EXTRA STRENGTH ANTI-FRIZZ. You told her this.

  
==>KANAYA: REMEMBER ALL THE TIMES VRISKA HAS BEEN WRONG   


* * *

I am 88% certain that 8lindness wears off!

Anyway, you should feel PROUD a8out setting that record.

Six at the sun stare will pro8a8ly get you into college!

Denim will never go out of style. Never!!!!!!!!

You heard it here first!

Hey, you and Terezi will be together forever now that I taught her how to make out.

You should really thank me!

You Smell Like John Egbert And Your Own Tears

No. No! I don’t care a8out him. Oh, shit!

It wasn’t my fault. Okay????????

He drank two cups of Listerine and a ta8lespoon of cooking sherry and just started... talking. A8out everything. It happened so quickly! One moment we’re watching _Gone In Sixty Seconds_ and the next, he’s all fucked up on mouthwash! You wouldn’t think it but 8oy, that kid has problems.

Oh My God Stop This Abhorrent Dirtytalk

And then we started on families and it was so stupid loserly pathetic 8ut we couldn’t help it. It just came out. All of it. Everything!!!!!!!! He has the alcohol tolerance of a couch cushion. John starts 8a88ling if he smells turpentine!

I Cant Listen To This

And I did something I’ve never done in my life. You can’t even apprecia8 what I did, Kanaya. It was so weird and disgusting and odd. 

I got worried a8out him and called poison control!!!!!!!!

Urgh

Then we snuggled like five times in the ER parking lot!

Vriska You Are Tearing This Family Apart

  
==>KANAYA: BACK TO THE FUTURE   


* * *

That flashback gave Vriska time to escape. You’ve got to stop these reminisces. They are a veritable time sink.

You are left alone and aggrieved under a table. The road of a promspistice is a rocky one, and filled with hardship. Sometimes it involves sitting underneath a table dwelling on middle-school adultery and the movie _Gone In Sixty Seconds._

Perhaps there was a hint as to what to do next contained within those really stupid flashbacks. Utilizing the wisdom of the past may tell you how to proceed in the future. For prom flows like a river, and history repeats itself.

Or maybe past you was a certifiable dummy and you shouldn’t think about her at all, because consider that horrible poncho and how dumb you were for thinking it did anything but swamp you in fabric and give you linebacker shoulders all because you forgot your body type was totally wrong for it. Past self, you arrogant fool.

  
==>KANAYA: BRING BACK DENIM   


* * *

You bring back denim.

Its resurrection was long spoken of in the prophecy. Tonight you have become the monster you always swore to destroy.

John That Is One Hell Of A Canadian Tuxedo

thanks. it makes me feel powerful. i could go to a formal event, or lay down a railroad!

I Dont Understand All The Feelings Welling Up In Me Right Now

All I Know Is Your Rugged Appearance Makes Me Want To Roll Around In The Surf With You As Wicked Guitar Licks Play In The Background 

oh crap. kanaya, no. this is the denim speaking.

Shhhhhh

John If You Want To Say Something To Me Say It With Your Lips

actually if i wanted to say something to you i would have been saying it with my lips anywammph

The sloppy make-out that ensues is so furious it needs anger management counselling.

You both make out so hard you probably die!

In fact you do.

****** YOU HAVE DIED ******

 **ABORT/RESTART/RETRY?**

* * *

  


  


...

  


  


...

  


  


...

  


  


  


==>RETRY. PLOT AND MEDDLE TO GET JOHN HAMMERSMASHED DRUNK SO THAT HE WILL CONFESS TO KARKAT HIS UNDYING PASSIONS ON HIS OWN MERIT.

* * *

You have long known that your moirail is miserably in love with John Egbert and “ALWAYS WILL BE,” as “HE IS INCURABLE,” like “TROLL EBOLA.” Although you have suspicions about the nature of John’s affection, all must come to a head. By tonight Karkat will be thrilled or unhappy, with or without the addition of cake, but the ordeal will be over.

It could be that John looks on Karkat with nothing but boundless platonic affection, in which case you must sternly inform him that Karkat’s butt is not his province. But if it walks like a quackbeast, talks like a quackbeast, and smells Karkat’s hair at the slightest provocation like a quackbeast, it may be a quackbeast.

So it is time to take the most emotionally mature course of action: get John hammersmashed drunk.

  
==>KANAYA: ENLIST TEREZI   


* * *

A transaction is made. A deal commences.

Do You Have The Goods

ONLY 1F YOU DO, S1ST3R, 4ND 1M NOT SUR3 YOU DO.

Ten Dollars Pyrope That Was Our Arrangement

TH3 4RR4NG3M3NT H4S CH4NG3D!

Youre Not Making Good Business Choices Terezi 

I Am Becoming Impatient

NO THR34TS! YOU H4V3 TO UND3RST4ND TH4T ONC3 UPON 4 T1M3 1 WOULD H4V3 B33N H4PPY TO SP1K3 4 PUNCH FOR T3N DOLL4RS.

1N F4CT, WH3N W3 F1RST 4GR33D TO TH1S THOS3 LONG HOURS 4GO, T3N DOLL4RS W4S 4LL 1 3V3R W4NT3D.

You know Pyrope’s vices. Ten dollars blown on coolkids and amaranth. A night of hedonistic excess, picking all the red M&Ms out the bulk bin.

We Had A Verbal Contract

SO W3 D1D! 4ND SUPPL13R M4K3S TH3 RUL3S!

1 H4V3 3NOUGH SM1RNOFF R4ZZ H3R3 TO M4K3 3GB3RT S1NG L1K3 4 SW33T CH1RPB34ST. 1N TH3 WRONG H4NDS, H3 COULD 3ND UP M4K1NG OUT W1TH 4 STR33TL4MP. OR 3R1D4N.

Smirnoff Razz! A human’s greatest weakness!

Oh You Wouldnt Dare

PR1C3 H4S CH4NG3D, DOLLF4C3!

Just Tell Me The Bottom Line And Dont Make Me Regret The Night I Ever Saw Your Hips Sway In That Comedically Dragon Themed Dress

1 W4NT... 4 POV!

1 W4NT 4 POV 1N TH1S DUMB F4N 4DV3NTUR3. 1T 1S 4BSOLUT3LY NO F41R TH4T 1 H4V3NT H4D ON3.

Terezi Stop Jokes That Break The Fourth Wall Are Never Funny Not Even A Little

TOO L4T3!

Fuck.

  
==>BE TEREZI   


* * *

You are now **T3R3Z1 PYROP3** and you are an expert on two things: TH3 L4W and how to throw a truly RIGHT3OUS RUMPUS of B4DLY B3H4V3D P4RTY. Some might suggest that a talent for law enforcement and a thirst for swift and uncompromising justice is firmly at odds with the desire to shake your groove thang into the deep hours of the night while watching your friends get silly off the sweet nectar of underage alcohol consumption, however you would reply that a true lady of justice understands that there are some N4TUR4L L4WS that override the L4WS OF M4N 4ND TROLL and the most important of those laws is that the Prom Committee voting for a S4F3 PROM is pretty much an invitation to SP1K3 TH3 PUNCH.

As S33R OF PROM you have examined the probable outcomes to the night and found with some dismay that most of them are disastrous. If not for your careful manipulation of those around you, tonight would quickly descend into an orgy of illicit three way marriages, denim apocalypses and Tavros making an unfortunate and inaccurate judgement call about how much of his bare body his fellow students want to see. Prom is a veritable Troll Gordian Knotbeast of complications and now you must wrestle the knotted tooth worm to the dance floor and show it all your illest dance moves.

Spiking the punch is imperative, but of course you cannot do it yourself. That would be SO 1LL3G4L. You had to gently nudge your friends towards the idea with the deft hand that only a Seer possess.

  
==>FLASHBACK AND FONDLY REGARD YOUR EXQUISITE MANIPULATION TECHNIQUES   


* * *

H3Y SOM3ON3 SHOULD SP1K3 TH3 PUNCH 4T PROM.

Why Are You Sharing This Unsolicited Thought With Me All Of A Sudden

NO R34SON.

  
==>EXCELLENT, BUT THAT IS NOT THE WHOLE STORY   


* * *

Of course not. As you predicted, although Ms. Maryam was willing to do the deed, she did not possess the necessary means to obtain the goods. When she called you four hours before prom, you were expecting her.

  
==>=>FOUR HOURS BEFORE PROM.....   


* * *

Y34H?

Terezi There Has Been An Unfortunate Hiccup In Our Plan Due To Unforeseen Circumstances

UH HUH

You See Roses Mother Perhaps Accurately All Things Considered Anticipated A Clandestine Raid On Her Much Valued Liquor Cabinet And Has Taken The Key With Her

SO?

In Case I Am Not Making Clear The Catastrophic Reality Of The Situation I Will Clarify

The Liquor Is Locked Away

We Cannot Obtain It

4R3 YOU 4SK1NG FOR MY H3LP?

Reluctantly As I Did Promise To Provide The Entertainment So To Speak

If You Bring The Goods I Shall Perform The Deed

OK4Y BUT YOU H4V3 TO P4Y M3 T3N DOLL4RS AND FORTY THR33 C3NTS

That Is A Very Specific Number Terezi

1T 1S 4 V3RY 1MPORT4NT NUMB3R! 1T H4S TO B3 3X4CTLY FORTY THR33 C3NTS!

I Will Raid The Couch Cushions In Order To Placate Your Puzzling Obsession With Arbitrary Numerical Values

BLUUUUH.

I Am Very Sincerely In The Process Of Grasping The Urgency Of Your Request

GOOD. 1LL M33T YOU 4T TH3 R3FR3SHM3NTS T4BL3 H4LF 4N HOUR 1NTO PROM.

But of course you could not obtain the liquor yourself because that would be 3XC3SS1V3LY 1LL3G4L. That’s why you keep Strider around (well, that among other reasons >;] H3H3H3)

D4V3 DO YOU ST1LL H4V3 TH4T F4K3 1D 1 T4LK3D YOU 1NTO G3TT1NG S1X MONTHS 4GO?

yeah

OK W3 N33D TO P1CK UP SOM3 R4ZZ ON TH3 W4Y TO PROM. 1T 1S V3RY 1MPORT4NT.

k cool

  


  
==>TEREZI: ASCEND ECHELADDER TO BECOME ‘SAVIOUR OF PROM’   


* * *

Not yet!

The pieces are all present, but they are not yet in place! You still have to make some very fine-tuned C4L1BR4T1ONS before PROM-SUCC3SS is assured. Kanaya will be your first “H3LP3R”, performing a series of seemingly inane and unrelated tasks that will eventually fold back into the branching timelines of prom in ways both frustratingly convoluted and utterly opaque.

This is your favourite part. >:]

  


  
==>TEREZI: GET SOME PROM GRIST AND CLASS UP THE JOINT.   


* * *

First things first: this joint is so unclassy it oughta be illegal. You are sure that Kanaya agrees and you attempt to enlist her aid in redecorating. Unfortunately, neither of you have the Prom Grist required to upgrade your gymnasium from TEPID PRETEEN SOCK HOP to GUNNA FITE TILL I SEE THE SUNLIGHT. Much like your deal with the SMIRNOFF RAZZ, You agree to provide the goods if Kanaya does the deed.

You spot your target breaking it down on the dance floor under Tavros’ sadly inept tutelage.

You have made a mistake. The imp was content with the prom as the prom was. Now you plan for its death to gild a perfectly Pepto Bismol prom lily.

Have you and your middle-school matesprit not done enough? This imp tries so hard, every day. Strike him down, and not just build grist will emerge from his saxophone-bludgeoned body. So will dreams.

It escapes, wondering what it does to attract the eyes of those who only cause it pain, but ironically then hangs out with Dave who adopts it under the name _When The Imp’s In The Crib_. When it closes its eyes, phat beats almost block out the memory of your nasty dragon dress. Almost.

Thankfully, this does not make you feel horrible due to your SH4M3D NOR T4M3D class ability. Your Kiss-O-Meter stays at a whopping 110%. Medically speaking, you’re adorable.

  
==>TEREZI: MAKE KANAYA GET DOWN WITH HER BAD SELF   


* * *

Your plan has failed! An unlikely scenario, but not entirely unforseen. A good SEER OF PROM understands that no plan is foolproof and success can not be left up to LUCK. A good SEER OF PROM has contingency plans for her contingency plans.

K4N4Y4

YOU MUST “G3T DOWN”

YOU MUST “G3T DOWN” 1MM3D14T3LY.

Excuse Me

K4N4Y4 W3 DO NOT H4V3 T1M3 FOR L3NGTHY CL4R1F1C4T1ONS

W3 MUST OBT41N TH3 PROM GR1ST 4S SOON 4S POSS1BL3

G3T DOWN W1TH YOUR B4D S3LF! 

I Assume That You Are Attempting To Illicit Some Sort Of Salacious Dance On My Part

In Which Case I Would Have To Politely Decline

As I Have No Talent In Such Things And Additionally I Have Promised My First Dance To My Erstwhile And Eternally Patient Companion

Y3S Y3S TH4TS V3RY ROM4NT1C BUT K4N4Y4 YOU TOLD M3 TH4T YOU W4NT TO S4V3 PROM

NOW T3LL M3 4R3 YOU W1LL1NG TO DO WH4T 1T T4K3S???

I Did Not Say That I Wanted To

SUPPL13R M4K3S TH3 D3M4NDS M4RY4M

You shake the Razz in front of her nose like a Polaroid picture. You can see her resolve crumble.

  
==>KANAYA: GET DOWN WITH YOUR BAD SELF   


* * *

You certainly are BAD.

  


BAD AT DANCING.

  


  
==>TEREZI: IF YOU WANT SOMETHING DONE RIGHT YOU HAVE TO DO 1T YOURS3LF   


* * *

You got rhythm. You got music. You got legislaceration. Who could ask for anything more?

The prom hushes as you take the traditional dance stance of your people. This is the official DANC1F1C4T1ON pose, letting all know there will be blood on the floor before your feet stop their fancy moves. Some beg you not to go through with this -- there are innocents and Gamzee present -- but once you have drawn your dance sword, honor dictates you must undergo dance-off.

Your VARIEGATED DRAGON RAIMENT gives you +10 to D4NC1F1C4T1ON, as well as being tumbledryer friendly.

You nod to Dave. He nods back, almost imperceptibly. You are gonna get him so pregnant.

  
==>TEREZI: JUST DANCE   


* * *

You certainly are GOOD.

  


GOOD AT DANCING.

  


Angels weep.

  


  
==>RETURN POV   


* * *

Your name is KANAYA MARYAM. Some POV characters are born, some POV characters are made, and some have POV thrust upon them. You have just had yours returned like an orphan found wanting by its fickle foster family.

\--SHOW PROM LOG--

Wait Was That All

1 D1SPL4Y3D P33RL3SS D4NC1F1C4T1ON SK1LLS 4S W3LL 4S 4 S3XY HUNK RUMP, SO 1 4M NOW BOR3D

4NYW4Y ST4Y 1N 4 POV 4ND YOU W1LL 3ND UP COMM4ND3D TO BL34T L1K3 4 GO4T 4ND GO B4THROOM ON 1N4PPROPR14T3 T4RG3TS! 1 H4V3 R1DD3N TH1S D3L1C1OUS GR4VY TR41N 4S F4R 4S 1T GO3S!   


1 SH4LL D1M1N1SH 4ND GO 1NTO TH3 D3NNYS, 4ND R3M41N T3R3Z1.

B3S1D3S, 1 H4V3 TO L3T D4V3 KNOW TH4T H3 MUST R3M3MB3R WHO 1S T4K1NG H1M HOM3 4ND 1N WHOS3 NOOS3 H3 1S GO1NG TO B3

Does This Mean You Will Now Spike The Punch As Per Our Original Arrangement

NOP3!

Terezi I Respect You As An Independent Woman Musician And Friend But If You Continue On In This Vein I May Be Forced To Show My Hand And

Well

Cut You

D34L 1S 4 D34L, 4ND YOU H4V3NT P41D M3 Y3T! ON3 E4SY T4SK 4ND W3 C4N SH4K3 ON 1T L1K3 BUS1N3SS1NN3RS >:]

  
==>KANAYA: GIVE TEREZI A BJ.   


* * *

\--SHOW PROM LOG--

1 W4NT... 4 BJ!   


Terezi It Does Not Seem Remotely Appropriate For Me To Give You A BJ Considering

YOU DONT H4V3 TO JUST D1V3 1N R1GHT 4W4Y! W3 W1LL T4K3 1T SLOW, GRUBC4K3S >:]

1 THOUGHT W3 COULD ST4RT OUT N1C3 4ND 34SY SO YOU WOULDNT G3T 3MB4RR4SS3D

FOR SOM3ON3 4S FORTHR1GHT 4S YOUR GOOD S3LF YOU C4N G3T R3M4RK4BLY SHY H3H3H3H3

This Seems Overly Intimate And Raises About One Billion Technical Questions

1S 4NYTH1NG MOR3 B34UT1FUL TH4N 4 G1RL G1V1NG 4NOTH3R G1RL 4 BJ >:?

1 TH1NK NOT!

But What About My

NOBODY H4S TO KNOW!

NOBODY BUT US 4ND ALL OUR P33RS, T34CH3RS 4ND CH4P3RON3S CURR3NTLY PR3S3NT 4ND W4TCH1NG

NOW COM3 H3R3 SW33TCH33KS, 1 4M 4 G3NTL3TROLL 3V3N 1F 1 4M NOT G3NTL3 >:]

> :]

>:]

You knew this dame would be trouble the moment she demanded forty-three cents exactly. Tool of her twisted desires, you get in close.

  


  
==>   


* * *

\--SHOW PROM LOG--

OK4Y NOW F33D 1T TO M3 L1K3 1 W3R3 4 L1TTL3 B4BY CH1RPB34ST 4ND 4LSO PR3T3ND YOU 4R3 MY LUSUS   


4S TH1S 1S WH4T 3XC1T3S M3   


Ugh Terezi I Was Keeping That For My Moirail

You Know He Gets Cranky When He Has Low Blood Sugar And I Dont Just Want Him Eating Cake All The Time What If He Gets Tired And I Have No BJ For Him I Will Be Derelict In My Duty   


TH3N H3 C4N SUCK 1T!   


Terezi Cease Licking My Fingers Immediately

DO YOU TH1NK ROS3 WOULD W4NT TO W4TCH >:?

No

DO YOU TH1NK K4RK4T WOULD W4NT TO W4TCH >:?

No

DO YOU TH1NK VR1SK4 WOULD W4NT T

Terezi My Despair Of You Is Currently Reaching Maximum And Is Also The Least Sensual Form Of Hate You Will Ever Experience

OK4Y, OK4Y! YOU 4R3 JUST SUCH F3RT1L3 CHUCKL3GROUND, 1 C4NNOT H3LP MYS3LF

You pay Terezi $10.43.

She brandishes the Razz within the confines of her cleavage. This dame works a rougher game than any you’ve ever dallied with, but she has a keen sense of justice as well as an acute posterior.

SMOK3 M3 4 V3RY R3D K1PP3R 4S 1 W1LL D3F1N1T3LY B3 B4CK FOR BR34KF4ST!

There are many things a promspistice must do. There are many regrets a promspistice must live with.

  
==>TEREZI: ENTER THE DRAGON   


* * *

Mr. Egbert and Ms. Lalonde inquire as to your actions.

~ * ~ * You cannot answer as you are a DR4GON * ~ * ~ 

They tell you to carry on.

  


==>   


* * *

Ears prick. Eyes swivel. Glands swell.

Promgoers can tell through biological imperative when a punch has been spiked. It can be a conscious awareness or an unconscious one, depending on the individual ALKESTHESIA score. So we all beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly to the booze.

 _Cause I drink it any time and any place -- when it’s time to get ill, I pour it on my face_   
**\-- William Carlos Williams**

And a promspistice knows what happens when you add liquor to a teenage prom.

It becomes xX~totally sexy~Xx.

  


==>KANAYA: MAKE SURE JOHN TANKS UP   


* * *

\--SHOW PROM LOG--

oh! thanks, kanaya. 

i guess i was a little thirsty.

John, hasn’t anyone ever taught you to not take drinks from strange, awkward vampires?

Rose You Are So Pretty When Your Lips Are Pressed Together And No Words Escape

I love it when you evoke my mother issues.

sheesh, rose. i trust kanaya with my life. i know she’d never give me anything weird to drink for any reason.

  
==>WAIT FOR JOHN TO DRINK THE WEIRD STUFF YOU GAVE HIM   


* * *

John drinks the punch; he becomes sexy.

  
==>PROMSTUCK IS NOW INTERRUPTED FOR AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT   


* * *

hi, my name is john egbert. you may remember me from such fan adventures as marchingstuck, promstuck, that one where i am a magic homeless person, and the one where i attend hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry. but let’s “keep it real” for a moment about...

drinking!

we’ve had a lot of fun here at prom. laughs have been had. tears have been cried! but there are some things that are no laughing matter. you see kids, when the pranking is over, you have to deal with the consequences. some people do craaaaaaaazy things when they’re drunk!

and making them drunk when they don’t want to be violates their super important consent boundaries. maybe they’re religious. maybe they’ve got allergies. maybe they just don’t want to drink, and you know what? that’s cool!

oh man when you do something against someone’s consent it’s so bad.

so let’s all work together as responsible friendleaders and make sure that prom has a happy ending just like the movie con air totally had.

you can look after your friends like the cast of promstuck looks after all their friends here on the set. for instance, i now know that putting spermicide in dave’s toothpaste was wrong.

remember: every time you stop a friend from going down a bad path and doing something wrong, you’re being a palhoncho too. and every time you respect someone’s boundaries, you are an amigolord just like me.

play smart and keep safe!

  
==>NOW BACK TO YOUR SCHEDULED BROADCAST   


* * *

\--SHOW PROM LOG--

and you know the song had just reached the part where the guitar’s all wheedle-wheedle-whee so i just put my hands on his butt for a SECOND rose i mean he has a butt like a little butter bean i mean i’ve done it before and he laughed. i mean by laugh he got mad but sometimes that’s karkat saying ‘john that was a very funny joke!’ and he’s my best friend and he was so mad and i love him so much and i won’t touch his butt again if he doesn’t want me to and

rose i am not gay i CAN’T be gay. i cannot be gay for a multitude of reasons.

Those reasons being?

uh because that would make my friendship with karkat really weird.

John, they legalized queer people having same-sex friendships just last year. You cannot think what a relief it was that Jade and I no longer live a dirty secret.

oh god. he wasn’t even just mad at me, like. rose it was like i kicked him right in the heart and i hadn’t even washed my shoes. i am such a dick. they voted me king of the dicks last year because i found a dick in my food denoting me dick king. only i also conquered douchebag land so i am king of the dicks and emperor of the douchebags and i am trying to colonize the country where you are awful to people you bro-love so much you want to puke.

also karkat’s still in love with terezi which is like, the saddest.

That wandered in gamely from the left field, John.

why do you think he has never tried to date anyone else. it is like he is undergoing five hundred days of terezi, or it’s like they’re jack and rose from titanic only instead of getting drowned in the icy waters terezi dumped him and went for dave and now karkat’s heart is a locked box full of secrets and rose all i really want is for him to die an old woman warm in his bed.

the point is that i cannot stand how karkat made me watch _five hundred days of summer_ but i was okay with it because i am so okay with him but he’s not okay with me.

And what of your dreams where you kiss Karkat beneath a rippling American flag?

it wasn’t a flag it was a _oh my god rose what the nookwhiffing fuck._

It was always going to be that or a beribboned oak tree.

the nook is your ear, right?

Would you believe that after all this time, I still don’t know? Shuffle a little closer, John. Let us talk about the politics of butt-touching.

Rose is carrying out her mission with the single-minded verve of a cruise missile. You may leave John in her cruel and beautiful hands.

  
==>KANAYA: CHECK ON KARKAT   


* * *

\--SHOW PROM LOG--

Karkat Are You Ready To Come Out Yet

The Girls Are Having To Use The Boys Bathroom Now And Equius Is Very Upset

AM I READY TO COME OUT YET?

AM I READY TO COME BACK OUT INTO A THICK PROM FUG OF HUMILIATION? WHERE ALL MY MISERIES ARE SWAGGED WITH CHEAP STREAMERS AND THE GENTLE WHEE OF DEFLATING BALLOONS? BACK WHERE I HAVE TO DEAL WITH DAVE STRIDER’S NIGH-OBSESSIVE LOVE FOR NICKI MINAJ?

Yes

YEAH. I WAS READY TEN MINUTES AGO, BUT THIS SHITTY LITTLE BATHROOM HAS PROVEN TO BE SOME KIND OF ARCANE LABYRINTH.

I LITERALLY CANNOT LEAVE. THOUGH I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT IF I DID WE ARE ONLY STAYING LONG ENOUGH FOR ME TO FILL MY POCKETS WITH BROWNIES, SCREAM EVERYONE’S AURAL CANALS BLOODY AND ABSCONDING. BRING LALONDE! IT WILL BE A PARTY.

Wait What Do You Mean Stuck This Is A Bathroom Not An Impregnable Fortress Of Solitude

WHEN I SAY STUCK, I MEAN I AM GODDAMN STUCK! THIS DOOR ISN’T OPENING AND THERE’S NO OTHER EXIT. THE ONLY METHOD I HAVEN’T TRIED IS GIVING IN TO DEATH AND LETTING MY GHOST FLY OUT.

Love There Are Many Things In This World That Stump Me Utterly But Doors Are Not One Of Them I Am Glad To Say

Now If Youll Excuse Me I Am Going To Re-Equip Myself And After Your Freedom Is Arranged I Think We Should Cuddle A Bit

Maybe You Might Want To Stay Who Knows But If You Want To Abscond Then We Shall Abscond Forthwith

I HAVE COMPLETELY FUCKING RUINED YOUR NIGHT, HAVEN’T I.

Never

If you poured any more oil on these troubled waters it would be an environmental concern.

  
==>KANAYA: GET YE AXE   


* * *

There is nothing between you and Karkat’s rescue but the retrieval of this axe. With him out the bathroom, you may add the last stitches to this rather neat act of promspisticing, and congratulate yourself on a job well done. With you present, this prom shall rock.

Afterwards you will allow well-deserved sloppy makeouts with your date. You are sort of terribly in love with her and her assistance has been paramount. It is only correct you give her many a hickey.

Nothing can go wrong now.

  


==>END OF ACT TWO   


  



	4. INTERMISSION TWO

  


You see an array of beautiful objects before you. They glisten.

Dare you choose the **ICE CREAM TUB** or the **ECLIPSE ECLIPSE GUM?** Feast your eyes upon the **NIC CAGE LITHOGRAPH** or the **DUBIOUS DRAGON HELM.** Perhaps the **ROSE FESTOON** is more your thing. The **CARRIED FLAG OF DANGER** holds some interest, as does the **LAGOMORPH OF WELL WISHES.** Finally, you gaze upon the **HAMMERSMASHED CLOCK** and that **WEIRD FUCKING FROG**.

All of these objects are significant, and all point back to a CERTAIN MEMORY.

But we cannot just hand out MEMORIES like some LIGHT-MORAL’D FRONTAL LOBE. You, the CURIOUS READER, must correctly name what the memory is ABOUT.

So pick the object of MOST INTEREST, and use our QUESTION BOX to tell us what memory it represents. Once you have correctly identified, we will enter the world of memory and examine all its SHITTY STUPID MYSTERIES. There is every reason to believe that this request is erroneous as you are reading Promstuck on AO3, in which case you must be WARNED that the authors will MOST LIKELY GET THROUGH ABOUT THREE OF THESE THINGS before GIVING UP.

And at that point you will wish, correctly, that this intermission was simply about BLINGEES.

  
==> CARRIED FLAG OF DANGER: RECALL THAT ONE TIME WHEN KANAYA DIED AT THE HANDS OF A HAPLESS COLOUR GUARD MEMBER  


* * *

Your name is ERIDAN AMPORA and your life is NOT FAIR.

You have been in love with RZ L’LNDETH for like TWO WHOLE WEEKS NOW. Simultaneously you’re in love with a lot of other people in varying quadrants (nineteen if you count), but you know that this is the real deal and forever. Ever since she went SHITHIVE MAGGOTS and joined COLOR GUARD she has driven you crazy in more ways than one. You two will hatesmooch in a deep dark cave and everyone will come to the handsfasting, even Mr. Noir, and together you’ll own all the _Lord Of The Rings_ movies on DVD.

But whenever KANAYA MARYAM sashays on the scene, all loathingsmoulders are for her. You are bumped from TORMENT FORMENTOR all the way down to IRK MIDGE, while Kan gets SEXY VEXATRIX like it ain’t even a thing. Look at her, drinking deep from the cup of Lalonde’s haterade. Haterade that should be for _you._

However you also have a big fat palecrush on KAN and can’t even get MAD. You should probably stop crushing on EVERYONE WHO GIVES YOU THE TIME OF DAY. Yesterday that dog who lives in the principal’s office licked your hand, and you kind of welled up with all manner a _emotions._

Then you realised you had RANCH SAUCE ON YOUR FINGERS.

  


  


  
Fef tells you to STOP GOOFING OFF!

You trip over in a fluster, but not before you swear to leave her mascaras a little ajar.

  
==>  


* * *

Your flag neatly pierces Kanaya’s midsection, making a noise like a cocktail weenie put through a holepunch.

For a moment she just stands there blinking at it, covered in GRUBSAUCE GRUBSAUCE GRUBSAUCE OH MAN before she gracefully topples to one side. She has the class and foresight to die on one hip, rather than dying on her back where the flag-end would have propped her up at an angle.

Practice comes to a screeching halt.

  


\--SHOW BAND LOG--

 _OH MY COD_

uh

 _kan im reely sorry_

Behind you, you hear the dulcet tones of Karkat Vantas power-chundering.

  
==>  


* * *

\--SHOW BAND LOG--

 _Hrah hrah!_

  
==>  


* * *

She got better.

A few things would eventuate from this: foremost being that Fef made you write a three thousand word apology letter to Kan about “B——EING A DICK,” and how sorry you were about murderin her accidentally. Karkat developed one shellacious case of anemia. Kanaya forgave you, albeit she made you promise to not pop your collar for a _whole sweep._

As for Rose?

\--SHOW BAND LOG--

kar i cant stand it

i cant stand knowwin that evven if i got harpooned by a color guard flag and bled out evverywwhere

my death throes wwouldnt be the ones shed laugh at

ERIDAN.

THERE ARE NO WORDS IN ANY LANGUAGE, SPOKEN OR WRITTEN, SILENT OR VOCAL, FOR HOW MUCH I LOATHE YOU RIGHT NOW.

aww thanks kar

  
==> ROSE FESTOON: THE ROSE FESTOON, FROM JOHN AND KARKAT'S FIRST FRIEND-DATE TO A SCHOOL DANCE.  


* * *

Your name is KARKAT VANTAS, and THIS YEAR’S PROM you are gonna STAY HOME and watch FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY.

There’s not a lot left in your life. You have already read all internet paraphernalia on your subject (DEALING WITH GRIEF; AFTER YOUR DIVORCE; THE EMPTIED QUADRANT). All these advise you to get out and keep active, but you cannot. You are simply going to sit on your rump and watch romcoms all day.

To add insult to copious amounts of injury, even the love of your miserable empty life poked her pointed nose in.

GC: K4RK4T  
GC: K4RK4T 4R3 YOU ST1LL 4L1V3 >:?  
CG: YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO ASK ME HOW I FEEL  
GC: 1 W4SNT  
CG: YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO SPEAK TO ME SO KIND  
GC: K4RK4T 1F YOU 3XP1R3 1 W1LL ST1LL F33L OBL1G4T3D TO 34T TH3 BODY!  
CG: THERE WAS NO WAY TO COMPROMISE  
GC: K4RK4T YOU H4V3 NOT SPOK3N TO M3 1N 4NYTH1NG BUT SONG LYR1CS FOR THR33 W33KS  
CG: NOW THAT WE’RE LIVING  
CG: SEPARATE  
CG: LIVES!!!!  
GC: >:[

At six and a half sweeps you have already experienced enough heartache for _ten adolescents._

Ugh, now someone’s banging at the lawnring door. Thankfully Crabdad knows you are suffering way too hard to see anyone.

  
==>  


* * *

\--SHOW LOG--

uh, hi, karkat!

WHO GAVE YOU DISPENSATION TO APPROACH ME OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL? WHO GAVE YOUR BROADTOOTHED MAW PERMISSION TO EVEN EXIST, METAPHYSICALLY, OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL?

karkat we have totally waved at each other while at food barn.

NO. I HAD TAKEN YOU FOR A MIRAGE, AND WAS TRYING TO BANISH YOU BACK TO THE DEPTHS OF PIZZAFACE CAVERN.

wow, you are being a giant asshole. also i just switched to clearasil! i have a sensitive t-zone.

IF THIS IS ABOUT HOMEWORK, SELLING GRUB SCOUT COOKIES OR JADE, YOU HAVE FIFTY SECONDS OF MY PRECIOUS TIME BEFORE I BEAT YOU ABOUT THE HEAD AND SHOULDERS. IF YOU HAVE GRUB SCOUT COOKIES I WILL TAKE FIVE BOXES OF THE PEANUT BUTTER ONES, THEN SIT HERE EATING THEM WHILE THINKING OF BETTER DAYS.

ok, aside from grub scout cookies being nasty as heck, i am not here about any of those things.

i am here because i am your buddy and i am worried about you. you haven’t been talking and you let me hit you first thing in dodge ball and you caused a pile-up in band formation and when i offered you a pudding cup yesterday you totally didn’t take it. this is an intervention, i even put on a tie.  
i know about your “troubles.”

JOHN, I CANNOT STAND THE FACT THAT I KNOW YOU JUST CROOKED YOUR FINGERS INTO AIR QUOTES.

this is about prom, isn’t it.

YOU KNOW ABOUT DIDDLY HORSESHIT. THIS IS NOT ABOUT PROM EXCEPT HOW I AM NOT ATTENDING IT. I AM NOT ATTENDING PROM EVER AGAIN! PROMS HAVE BROUGHT ME NOTHING BUT TROUBLE AND I DO NOT HOLD WITH THEM.

dude it’s just that we’re all going and you know, you can come and hang with me and dave and jade and sollux, you don’t have to see terezi if you don’t want to.

DON’T WANT TO SEE HER?

JOHN YOU DUMB PIECE OF SHIT, I SPEND EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY WANTING TO SEE HER. THERE IS NOT A MINUTE OF MY LIFE THAT WOULD NOT BE VASTLY IMPROVED JUST BY BEING NEAR HER AND HEARING HER SOOTHING VARIETY OF SCREECHES. I MISS HER ALL THE TIME AND I DON’T CARE WHO KNOWS AND YOU CAN FILL YOUR SNIGGERPOUCH ALL YOU WANT, THAT IS WHY PROM IS A HORRENDOUS GODDAMNED NO-GO.

…

…

that is incredibly romantic.

… REALLY?

and that is why you have to go to prom. with me!

THIS IS VERY FLATTERING AND I’M SURE I ONLY JUST THREW UP A LITTLE, BUT NO. I AM NOPING, JOHN. I AM FALLING DOWN ALL THESE NOPES.

oh my god, not like that.

a dude date! as bropals! it’ll be totally fun and we can get up to crazy things. like once prom is over we can go and toilet paper a tree! and we’ll eat the weird midnight mcdonalds menu and just have an awesome time, you and me, it will be the best. terezi will totally think you are strong and independent and not sitting at home watching crap like the sweetest thing.

THE SWEETEST THING IS AN UNDERRATED GEM!

so how about it?

  
==>  


* * *

\--SHOW PROM LOG--

WHY THE FUCK DO THEY THROW ABOUT TWO PROMCOMINGS PER SEMESTER, ANYWAY?

justifying the prom committee budget!

THE PROM COMMITTEE IS A CORRUPT GALL, PROVIDING NOTHING BUT MILKY PROM OPIATE TO THE AHS MASSES.

oh man, spring rolls!

 _To find out the dark heart behind the swollen AHS Prom Committee budget, turn to page 41!  
If you choose to outrun the sentient tornado, turn to page 36!_

  
==> ECLIPSE ECLIPSE GUM: THE BEGINNINGS OF THE WHIRLWIND PALE ROMANCE THAT IS KARKAT AND KANAYA  


* * *

\--SHOW MEADOW LOG--

I Feel Very Protective Of You

WHICH IS WHY YOU FOLLOWED ME.

HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT THE FACT THAT MAYBE YOU NEED A SHITLOAD MORE LOOKING AFTER THAN I DO?

Me

I Feel A Citation Is Needed Here

WELL, YOU’RE IMPOSSIBLY FAST. AND STRONG. YOUR SKIN IS… PALE WHITE, AND GLOWS. SOMETIMES YOU SPEAK LIKE YOU JUST ATE THE DICTIONARY AND YOU’RE SHOOTING PAINFUL GRAMMATICAL DIAHRREA OUT SIX DIFFERENT ORIFICES. YOU NEVER EAT OR DRINK ANYTHING THAT ISN’T BLOOD OR WINTERFROST® ECLIPSE GUM.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN SEVEN SWEEPS?

A While

Like Nearly Four Months Now You Came To My Wriggling Day Party And My Grubmom Made Us Lactose Free Ice Cream Cake

YEAH, IT TASTED LIKE PENCIL SHAVINGS MIXED WITH EFFLUENT.

I Dont Like You Drinking Milk It Gives You Tummy Cramps And Makes You Cranky And When You Are Cranky I Tend To Get Sympathy Cranks Which As Amply Demonstrated Can Have Untoward Results

YES, ‘UNTOWARD RESULTS’. LET’S CALL DROP-KICKING EQUIUS OVER THE GOALPOST ‘UNTOWARD RESULTS’!

LET ME PRESENT YOU WITH THE LITTLE INFORMATIONAL PAMPHLET LABELLED, “WHAT ARE THE CHANGES MY BODY IS GOING THROUGH? HOW TO NOT END UP IN MONSTER PRISON BEFORE I GRADUATE HIGH SCHOOL.”

LET ME HIT YOU IN THE FACE WITH THIS PAMPHLET UNTIL YOU ARE THOROUGHLY FUCKING CONTUSED!

BECAUSE YOU NEED SOMEBODY TO. AND BECAUSE THAT SOMEBODY IS GOING TO BE ME.

Karkat

You Dont Know How Long Ive Waited

I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE.

Say It Out Loud

About three things you’re absolutely positive. First, that Kanaya is a Rainbow Drinker. Second, that there’s a part of her — and you don’t know how dominant that part might be — that thirsts for your blood. And third, that you’re unconditionally and irrevocably in pale for her.

  
==> SWITCH TO TROLL ANCESTORS  


* * *

\--SHOW JOURNAL LOG--

 _~ On the 20th 8ilunar perigee of the 1st lit season’s solstice ~_

This prom poses a highschool riddle like no other I’ve ever attended. Although I have o8tained a dress with sleeves and ruffles only the most 8rutal fashionistadors would dare, I still feel that my hair is full of Aquanet and my heart is full of empty. 8ut then, what did I expect from such a display? I know I resem8le Troll Madonna only hotter, 8ut will this frippery see my plans to fruition?

I see the Neophyte sulking in the corner, 8lind and dum8 to the murmurous tunes of Erasure. She attends this formal only out of 8ela8ed duty, not desire. What shape would her mouth take, were I to run my claws through her 8ackcom8ed coif and pull? Would she 8e pliant, or ferocious? Would she attend to my 8ody with the same passionless precision she wields her piccolo, or would she stoke her fire all the more heatedly for it 8eing me?

These thoughts assuage my 8oredom. The night is young. Soon the Summoner will drink a surf8 of wine coolers and remove his suit, revealing a t-shirt that proclaims him Crazy 4 Swayze. Then and only then will he 8e mine.

All around me callow striplings 8ounce up and down in parody of dance. If only they understood the true tenets of 8eing sexy.

One day I shall write them all down.

  
==>  


* * *

\--SHOW JOURNAL LOG--

My suspicions have 8een confirmed. The addition of other high schools to our prom was supremely dum8.

Who, in this instance, invited those malefactors from Exile High? 8eneath my contempt, they have neither elegance nor 8sthetics. The one in the heliotrope tux has 8ared his orthodontics at me for the last ten minutes.

Stuffing prickles in the depths of my 8ra. Fortun8ly no-one can tell my cleavage has 8een augmented. Unfortun8ly, each dance with the Orphaner causes me to rustle.

To advance this night into em8arrassing ennui, the popul8ion of _SBAHJ Pesperatory Shcool_ just arrived.

...

THIS

IS

STUPID

  
==> SHELBY: AUUAUAUUAUAUUUGHHH  


* * *

\--SHOW ARTIST'S LOG--

AUGH

i look away for five minutes and its all dumb middle school memory crap with horrible pacing

this is..... how..... it always....... goes......... 

SERIOUSLY. ANCESTORS??

WAS THE PRIORITY TO REALLY DO DUMB ANCESTOR JOKES? DID WE RUN OUT OF MONEY TO PAY THE CAST??

there are like. barely any jokes about marching bands in this GEEEEEEEZ

please guys this isn’t my fault i had just turned away to down FIFTEEN SODAS when this happened

omg that’s it i am going to put on every single homestuck tshirt i own and shift this fan adventure into gear. we can put memory stuff at the end when we’ve lost all our followers

yes.

brb putting on my twenty-seven shirts

TIME FOR ACT THREE, MOTHAFUCKERS


	5. ACT THREE

  


  


Your name is **ERIDAN AMPORA,** and you’re **NEVER GONNA DANCE AGAIN.**

Look at you. What have you become? Everyone you know goes away in the end: friends, lovers, that leave-in conditioner which softened without leaving your hair ‘flat’. Every Tamagotchi you ever owned ate a big loaf of bread, then died.

Fef? Pale-dumped you in eighth grade, like calling her at 6 AM with heart palpitations was “needy.” Pretends like you’re not the only one suitable to oviviparously incubate her fry. Kar? Acts like you two aren’t _probably_ betrothed and _might maybe_ get beach married barefoot to the strains of Gamz singing _Soul Sister_. Ros? Feigns like there was never a shared moment of passion behind the bike racks.

Vris hasn’t bothered a mean look in sweeps. Sol won’t loathe you. Jay Harley ignores how much you two got in common (glasses). Tav won’t do shit despite you explaining and explaining how nobody will ever love him. John? Well, it’d break your nubby-horned buddy’s heart.

 _It would break his heart and he’d wish he never underestimated you._

Mr. Noir won’t even be your stand-in lusus despite being the Humbert Humbert to your Trollores Haze. You’ve never actually read _Trollita_ but you are sure it is heartwarming.

This is your senior prom; the last hivecoming dance you’ll ever attend. The most action you got tonight was being shoved into the witch of Felt High, Ms. Snowman, leaving you with a broodpouch full of terror and a hand full of boob. Well, it might have been boob. You are not actually sure about carapaces. You touched her in a place, wet your gills a little, and wept mutely as she prepared to do murder to you.

Then out of glubbin nowhere Mr. Noir was there and they shared the nastiest hate snog in existence. She touched his butt. She touched his butt thirteen times. This is thirteen times more than you ever needed to see someone touch Mr. Noir’s butt.

You’d stumbled away, wondering why Mr. Noir was at prom and why he was wearing his Quiet Time pants, nauseous at the vision cauterized inside your eyes. When the situational trauma blindness wore off Kar was nowhere to be found.

He and you had danced together before he got all coy and overwhelmed. Nobody had asked you to dance for like five promcomings, least of all Karkat. It had been — special.

Truth is, maybe it had only been special to _you._

  
==> YOUR BUTT SHALL NEVER BE TOUCHED THIRTEEN TIMES.   


* * *

Look. Sollux could not even bother turning up, choosing to leave his line open as he deals his crackz, hackz and warez. He attends prom only in cellphone form, and he’s still gotten more dances than you have. You would not be surprised to later find Fef furtively rubbing the phone against her décolletage.

How does he do it? He is consistently surly, smells like cough drops and coaxials, and looks like an oily plastic sack full of Lego. Highschool Mathlympics tourneys have orders to shoot him on sight. Despite all this, he is petted and cosseted by girls everywhere like a sexy puppy. You’ve been hanging out for him to hate you for sweeps, but when he saw your fucking _calamitous_ score in _Minesweeper_ he just stared at you before quietly patting your face.

Wait.

This prom has changed, somehow. You can sense traces of mad excitement and Smirnoff Razz.

  
==> WHAT ARE THESE CHANGES HAPPENING TO YOUR PROM?   


* * *

This prom has been adulterated with booze and teen sensuality!

Coddamn, you’re missing out on _everything._ Sloppy juggalo makeouts. General handsomeness. Terezi’s noisome woos.

 _Feelin truly alivve for once._

Fuck this. You don’t find love with a healthy liver.

  
==>  


* * *

You drink the punch; you become sexy.

  
==> BUT WAIT, WHAT’S THIS?  


* * *

It is proving impossible for anyone to be collaboratively sexy. The chaperones are making sure that anyone who presses their tongue to another’s gets swiftly parted before the juices can even settle.

Nobody is able to touch butt, grind hip, or sensually stick their lingual muscle in another’s ear.

This is bullshit. There is no point in being teen drunk at prom unless you can get your mack on. Somebody probably died making sure booze went into that punch bowl, and now they died for nothing.

You can’t have this happen: with the addition of dimmed lights, you are 70% sure someone might drunkenly mistake you for Aradia. You could get _kissed,_ and all these bastards are doing is standing by and letting your hopes slip away.

No.

 _You are going to be somebody’s major regret by the end of the night, or bust._

  
==> YOU SHALL NOT FLAG OR FAIL   


* * *

You will come on to them on the dance floor, you will come on to them at the refreshment table, you will come on to them in the line to the bathroom and right by the door; you will never surrender, and if, which you do not for a moment believe, the entire population of AHS are too sober to let you come on to them, armed and guarded by their common sense, you will carry on the struggle until, in Godhead Pickle Inspector’s good time, _you fill all your quadrants._

Oh, and maybe save prom.

 _but howw_

  
==> CONVINCE NEPETA THAT ARSON IS THE ONLY WAY.   


* * *

-—SHOW PROM LOG—

nep cmere listen to me

>:(( « eridan i am not falling fur your murronic gambits again!

:33 « you do not have pocky trapped in your pants

:33 « and even if you did, i meowst certainly dont want your gross pants pocky

for fucks sake nep im tryin a givve you an opportunaty here to be a hero

youre alwways blabberin on about lovve n kisses n shittin terus

:(( « aishiteru

wwell nobodys gettin glubbin goldfish shit as long as those chaperones are circlin

:33 « its SO unfair

:33 « jade and i were having the meowst purrfect moment of yuris and then we got the hose turned on us!

yeah totally fuck the establishment is wwhat im sayin i think its time wwe reclaimed this prom

reclaimed it in the name a lovve and bein able to yuri wwhoevver the fuck you wwant wwhatevver that means and i dont wwanta knoww

wwhen all else fails use fire nep are you gettin wwhat im glubbin aboat here

>:(( « you know what i am drunk and i am not at all afurraid of the police

>:33 « lets do it

nep are wwe havvin a moment

>:// « no

  
==>   


* * *

  


-—SHOW PROM LOG—

:33 « efurything must burn

uh

  


  
==> HOW CAN YOU RUN? FUR SHE IS ALREADY HERE.   


* * *

  


-—SHOW PROM LOG—

:33 « i am the alfur and omewga

:33 « the beginning and the end

D —> My dark goddess arises

  


****** YOU AND ALL YOUR FRIENDS HAVE DIED ******

 **ABORT/RESTART/RETRY?**

* * *

  


  


...

  


  


...

  


  


...

  


  


  


==> RETRY. GO MACK ON ROSE. SHE SEEMS TO BE UNATTENDED.

* * *

\--SHOW PROM LOG--

wwell wwell wwell wwhat do wwe havve here

looks like wwe got a lonely wwallflower

or should i say lonely wwallrose

You should say, “I am an asshole who came to prom in Grape Ape’s formalwear.”

fuck you lalonde its dark orchid

anywway lets get to the point about you bein ditched harder than the mariana trench

I have not been ditched, Ampora. My date is simply busy micromanaging everyone’s love lives, simultaneously being unable to emotionally commit to her own.

youre sayin a lot a words here ros but theyre all comin out as

‘wwoww i wwonder howw far vvris has her tongue down kans squealchute’

I’d like to invite you to take yourself out to dinner, enjoy a pleasant conversation over a nice meal, get an invitation back home for coffee and thereupon fuck yourself.

It will be excellent practice for the rest of your life.

looks like i hit a glubbin nervve there

Would you like me to show you exactly how to hit a nerve?

Practice has taught you not to accept.

look ros i got a problem

There’s a contender for Understatement Of The Year.

shut your blowwhole its about your lusus and johns lusus and the searious dearth of teen butt touchin wwe got goin on

im shrimply tryin to ensure evveryone has access to romance whether that romance invvolvves butts or otherwise this is me bein charitable 

Eridan, you once wrote a letter to the school newspaper protesting Toys For Tots as being part of the “landdweller agenda.”

are you gonna tell me howw to get rid of em or not

On the understanding that I’m under considerable stress, this is conditional upon one thing:

Locate my date.

  
==> TALK WITH THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL AT PROM  


* * *

If you want to find a Kanaya, you have to think like a Kanaya. Naturally, you head towards the nearest gathering of depressed women.

You choose to interview the most popular, nicest girl in high school, who despite being a landdweller has your full respect and admiration. You know she won’t mind you asking her some investigatory questions. She only gets mad when someone is mean to her friends, and then you better watch out!

-—SHOW PROM LOG—

<3 ~ yes eridan i did certainly see kanaya verily a few moments ago ~ <3

<3 ~ she talked tenderly to the door for three minutes and then left her dress rippling around her silken thighs and curving to their shape ~ <3

<3 ~ if only i had known how to ease her troubles i would have gathered her to me and shown her that even in times of trouble hope will always exist and breathed in deeply the scent of her hair smelling both orange blossom and something distinctly kanaya that i could not define ~ <3

great great this wwill definitely help me in my doins

<3 ~ do you also wish to know who is currently ensconced within the bathroom ~ <3

nope i couldnt givve a frothy cuttleshit

so hey there wwhats a nice girl like you glubbin around for in a plaice like this instead of enjoyin herself like she ought to

<3 ~ well you see i am so very beautiful (although i do not believe it for even a second) that people are much too intimidated to dance with me ~ <3

yeah i knoww howw that is its a coddamn CROSS i gotta bear evvery day a my life

wwell if youre that desperate maybe i can find time in my schedule to take you for a spin later

but dont get your hopes up my dance card is fuckin stuffed

<3 ~ oh eridan i would absolutely love to i know that despite your many character flaws all you ever need is someone to understand you ~ <3

<3 ~ but i have also developed a raging urinary tract infection ~ <3

sounds hot

<3 ~ ...do you even know what that is ~ <3

angelfish if i wwanted a schoolfeedin id be in glubbin CLASS ok geez youre nice to look at but you dont exactly knoww howw to flirt

catch you later swweetcheeks

<3 ~ eridan you are kind of an a-hole ~ <3

  
==> CONSULT THE SEER OF PROM   


* * *

-—SHOW PROM LOG—-

YOU M4Y 4PPRO4CH TH3 PROM S33R

thanks for agreein to sea me prom seer

4LL OF YOU H3R3 4R3 MY PROM W1GGL3RS, 3R1D4N

3V3N YOU!

TH3 PROM S33R LOV3S H3R SP4WN FROM 34CH POSS1BL3 PROM MON4RCH TO TH3 DORK13ST PROM P34S4NT

yeah wwell let me tell you im no prom peasantry pyrope i come here as a fuckin formal knight errant

1 KNOW!

DO YOU R34LLY TH1NK 1 D1D NOT 4NT1C1P4T3 YOUR 4RR1V4L

oh wwhelk shit i didnt mean offense to your almighty prom powwers i just fuckin meant that i

S1L3NC3!

OR B34R TH3 BRUNT OF MY SH1ND1GN4T1ON >:[

ugh

3R1D4N, YOU H4V3 4N 3N3MY

4N 1ND1V1DU4L WHO TH1NKS TH3MS3LV3S 4 PROM H3RO, WH3N 1N R34L1TY TH3Y 4R3 NOT 3V3N 4 HUMBL3 HOOT3N4NNY!

1N F4CT TH3Y 4R3 QU1T3 TH3 OPPOS1T3. TH31R 4CT1ONS M4Y Y3T DOOM US 4LL

prom seer tell me to find wwhere in this land the fair kanaya fishappeared to so that i might savve prom not shrimply for me but for future generations a promgoers said the handsome prom knight bent on one knee in front a the prom seer wwho had nevver before found him this good lookin

OK F1RST YOU MUST N3V3R ROL3PL4Y 4G41N 4S 1 TH1NK 1 M4Y CHUND3R MY R4ZZ >:\

S3COND, YOU MUST G1V3 TH1S TO TH3 DR34D PROMW1TCH L4LOND3 1N 4NSW3R TO H3R QU3ST

  


wwhat

i dont get it

SH3 W1LL UND3RST4ND

prom seer before i go wwill you shoal me my prom future

1F YOU F41L, S1R 4MPOR4?

TH3 B3ST K1ND OF R4CK 4ND RU1N >:]

BUT 1F YOU SUCC33D 1 C4N PROM1S3 YOU W1LL G41N

NOTH1NG L3SS TH4N YOUR TRU3ST D3S1R3!

but thats

H3H3H3H3H3H3

NOW GO!

D4V3 1S 4BOUT TO PUT ON “BOTTOMS UP” 4ND 1 MUST BUTT D4NC3 3QU1US UNT1L H3 D3VLOPS TH3 V4POURS >:]

  
==> ERIDAN: ENTER FANTASY VISION OF TRUEST DESIRE   


* * *

ERIDAN, WE’RE HAVING YOUR BABIES.   


  


  
And t)(e BABI--ES are YOU!   


  


  
_koala babies up the avvenue_

  


==> RETURN BLISTEX TO PROM WITCH   


* * *

  


  


-—SHOW PROM LOG—-

Kanaya’s Blistex.

Her bosom companion. She has lips that shed like a leprous snake at the slightest change in humidity. To say nothing of Vantas, who uses it as an emotional crutch and therefore smells bewitchingly of emollient at all times.

wwhat they share blistex

Yes.

oh come on thats unabassedly disgustin

I have seen a great and many terrible things. I have seen Nepeta Leijon apply a Q-tip to Equius Zahhak’s ear canals; I have seen Vriska Serket furtively squeeze John Egbert’s blackheads. For these reasons and many more I will never enter the happy state of moirallegiance.

ok lalonde i get the truly unedifyin picture just tell me wwhat this means

It means the scenario has changed. If we want to get rid of my mother and her behatted mon amour, I must indulge in every single little-rich-girl cliché that ever existed.

Time to call my father.

  
==> PESTER PERTURBED PATERNAL   


* * *

You on fire.

No?

You pregnant.

Not unless I’ve immaculately conceived an Antichrist.

Well, those are the only things Cal and I are prepped for.

Rosita, you better have a swell reason for interrupting _Real Housewives Of New Jersey._

I need you to discharge paternal duty. Mr. Egbert and Mother are currently engaged in a severe bout of what’s colloquially known as “cockblocking”.

That's how they enjoy rollin' and hatin', yeah.

I’d like to request a distraction.

How long?

How long can you manage?

You know, do they show reruns of _Real Housewives_ on TV or am I always going to have to get it on the Youtubes?

Why don’t you simply tell Dave you’re watching ironically?

Fuck no. I'm not going to betray sweet Caroline, Teresa, Jacqueline, Melissa and Cathy that way.

I’m loath to sound like an ungrateful teenager, but time is of the essence, Dad.

At least ironically call me Daddy.

No.

Pa?

Not unless we hit that Oregon trail this coming fall.

Look. A package will come for you this weekend containing Season Three of _Real Housewives_ , hidden within the DVD cover of _Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot_. Dave won’t go near it.

Done. I can get you forty minutes.

So. Yeah.

You're still a goth, correct? Like that's the thing you're into?

Damn, you're even dating a vampire. My little girl is like the fucking Ur-goth from which all other goths were wrought.

You can put down the phone now, paterfamilias.

Oh, thank Christ.

  
==> WAIT.   


* * *

-—SHOW PROM LOG—-

wwhat if this doesnt wwork 

It will work. I’m not sure what avenue of psychological warfare he’ll use, but the man genuinely has a brain like a Cray supercomputer and the cunning of a Nile serpent. I expect no less than hyper-Spartan subtlety.

  


-—SHOW CELLPHONE LOG—-

Help. Help. I'm lonely.

mr. strider, you know full well we are chaperoning these youngsters to make sure their playful hijinks stay well within the realm of cheeky smiles.

Egbert, I want to talk about feelings.

tchhhh fuck strider did u scarf like one beer again???

And commitment.

lololol his livers probably seizin up as we SPEAK

its like a single gossamar strond

*strand

bro, I must insist you drink a large glass of water immediately.

So are you two wearing underwear, or what?

The chaperones leave with the swiftness of a flock of migrating cheetahs.

  
==> REJOICE AND BUTT-TOUCH   


* * *

This Prom has just been doubly upgraded, ascended from the tenuous position of mere SEXY to the decadently promising state of UNSUPERVISED. This is no longer the safe prom that the prom committee outlined. This is a prom rife with dark corners and musty, abandoned hallways. This is a prom where highly dubious GRINDING is fair game. No one will question the activities drunken teenagers choose to participate in under the cloak of smoke machine and multi-coloured light globes. Prom is saved in fewer steps than you’d anticipated, all thanks to YOU, Eridan Ampora.

In your wildest of prom dreams, you are the HERO.

 _The Prince of Prom_. Just like in all the old stories and your ancestor before you -- the Danseuse Dualscar.

You decide to celebrate your victory with some truly SALACIOUS DANCING. Now that you have SAVED PROM with grace and dignity surely no one would ever cruelly turn you down.

You glance back at the SEER OF PROM, hoping that your heroic actions and masterful handling of the situation will have impressed her enough to ditch the DJ and join you in a deeply emotional and vvery meaningful butt-touching dance under the romantic glow of the disco ball.

  
==> REGARD SEER   


* * *

But wait.

This can’t be right.

The SEER is still grinning wryly, as if she is aware of some terrible joke that you are not able to participate in due to your overwhelming ignornace! What could she po$$1b))l—# bé ~ ()!@««« abo—&t  


  


.

.

...

....

  


  
==> IT SEEMS THAT YOUR PROM HAS BEEN DAMAGED   


  


* * *

However, while the reckless actions of this particular prom’s more precocious guests has indeed caused extensive damage to this most important of adolescent rituals, the damage is not irreparable.

You are in luck. Salvaging damaged proms is just one of the many services I provide. If you allow me to step in for what I promise will be a brief interlude I shall fix this crack for you and return the prom in better condition than it was when you first arrived.

I am, after all, an excellent chaperone.  


==> ENTER: THE NEW CHAPERONE.   


* * *

Hello there.

I am Scratch, PhD (undergrad in classical literature, masters in child psychology, PhD in metaphysics), colloquially referred to as ‘Doc Scratch’ by my students and colleagues. I will be playing the part of ‘Rival School’s Principal’ for the evening although I must assume that if you are reading this fanventure, you and I have met before under much different circumstances.

Please do not allow your experiences in other universes affect your assessment of me - I assure you, in this form I am quite harmless and in fact, quite friendly! You cannot spell ‘principal’ without the word ‘pal’!

:Y

  
[O] ==> YOU MUST BE WONDERING WHAT I AM DOING HERE   


* * *

I am here by request of my esteemed co-worked Ms. Sn **o** wman who issued a simultaneous threat and plea that I attend this event in order to spare her from the AHS band instructor’s clumsy advances. It was a curious request considering the nature of her and Mr. Noir’s relationship however I understand that the mechanism of “hatemance” requires a delicate balance of desire and denial. While I claim such knowledge, I must confess a certain detachment from the facts in this case as I am incapable of experiencing visceral sexual feelings since I am, in fact, made out of plush.

Either way, it is difficult to turn down Ms. Sn **o** wman. One might say that she is possessed of a ‘Regal Manner’.

 _Hoo hoo haa haa hee hee_

  
[O] ==> I WILL NOW EXPLAIN THE JOKE   


* * *

See, I have just referenced the fact that in most other incarnations of her character, Ms. Sn **o** wman is often assigned the role of ‘Queen’. While the reference was broad and unfortunately gauche, it is one that can only be understood when the individual reading it has metatextual knowledge of the concepts of “canon” and “fanon” and can correctly identify the work they are currently reading as “fanfiction” and thus appreciate the subtle jabs at “canon” woven into the text.

Forgive me, it is not often that I have a chance to interact with people who share my omnipotent view of the text.

These jokes can be private jokes between you and I.

;Y

  
[O] ==> WHEN I SAID THE WORD “SHARE” I WAS BEING UNFAIR   


* * *

Although you and I share some aspects of narrative omnipresence, unfortunately your powers are limited merely to comprehension. You lack my foresight.

For example, you might be currently wondering where the aforementioned Ms. Sn **o** wman wandered off to.

I, on the other hand, know that she absconded sometime ago to engage in sloppy make-outs with Mr. Noir on the hood of his 1996 Honda Civic.

Later, she will complain to me that a crevice of rust on the metal tore her very expensive designer dress. I have little sympathy as I warned her before hand this would happen.

  
[O] == > MY WARNINGS ARE RARELY HEEDED   


* * *

I have no complaints. If they were, it would not be a very interesting story now would it.

I could tell you right now how this sordid little tale will end. I could reveal to you the fate of each player involved. The nature of the adorable Ms. Maryam’s kidnapping, the true purpose of the Seer of Prom’s visions and the outcome of Karkat Vantas’ desperate romantic desires. I could do that for you and free you from the pain of waiting for updates. I could remove the only reason that you follow this tumblr at all - the relief of dramatic tension. Surely you could not be here to admire the artistic talent of three young girls on its own accord. That would be ridiculous.

  
[O] ==> DO NOT WORRY. I ALWAYS USE SPOILER TAGS CORRECTLY   


* * *

I am here to fix prom, not to break it further. The first thing I must do in order to correct this unmitigated disaster is to drastically lower the alcohol content in this punch. Although it does have its inconveniences, my plush body is useful in many ways including in absorption!

Although alcohol has no effect on me, I often consume it in order to maintain my devastatingly classy aura.

I have now downgraded this prom from UNSUPERVISED and SEXY to SHAMEFULLY SOBERING and TINGED FAINTLY WITH REGRET.

  
[O] ==> YOU'RE WELCOME   


* * *

These children should not have been drinking anyway. As implied by my profession, I have a great and completely innocent fondness for children. While I understand that they require space to stretch their wings and grow much like the young saplings in earth forests, I also am a firm believer in the old phrase ‘spare the rod, spoil the child’. Although in this case, a more appropriate turn of phrase would be: ‘spare the Razz, save the dignity’.

What I am trying to say is that their Alcohol Privileges have been revoked.

And not a moment too soon. Had I arrived even five minutes too late the Page of Triangle would have begun removing articles of clothing in swift and certain procession, ruining the Seer of Prom’s intricate plans to spare her classmates such sights.

  
[O] ==> LUCKILY, I AM NEVER LATE   


* * *

How could I possibly be late? I have simultaneous knowledge of the past, present and future. Whenever I arrive at a function, it is at the precise time the universe means for me to be there. It is simply the nature of my existence.  
Unfortunately, my time as your narrator grows short. I will soon be removed by the Alternian High School Prom Committee, an organization whose bloated reach extends far beyond these childrens’ ken. But not quite beyond mine.

They can remove me from the point of view, but they cannot remove me from prom in its entirety. Only one presence can do that: a creature who may use her leverage to extend prom at a whim, or cut short the proms of millions. I like to think of her as a pet I gave to this universe, a gambit I played to cut down my tedium.

(My tedium is, of course, overwhelming. This is the trouble with omniscience.)

But we must curb your enthusiasm. I will give her no reason to eject me from this gathering. This is an adolescent promcoming, not the Ides of March.

  
[O] ==> HELLO, LADIES.   


* * *

We meet again.

While we’re at it, I must inform you that your presence is quantifiably self-aggrandizing. It’s a pity that it had to come to this, don’t you think?

You engineer an adventure that is demonstrably nothing more than a way to mush Mr. Egbert’s and Mr. Vantas’ faces together. To add insult to injury, Mr. Strider’s concupiscent affections for the precious Miss Pyrope is simply your way of making Mr. Vantas unhappy. The Shale Imp is as explicable as it is funny: neither.

These are your narrative choices, of course. Girls must be allowed to have their youthful fun.

But I am using “girls” loosely. One of you is twenty-six. This is a notable five years past the point where writing this is socially acceptable.

Speaking of which. Might I enquire as to which one of you adorable scamps is the nineteen-year-old?

  
==>   


* * *

-—SHOW COMMITTEE LOG—-

finally. lets go give this POV back.....

this is ten minutes i could have used to tumbl about how i don’t have a butt

oh

you’re

so

right

Well at least we all learned an important moral and shit from this which is that dalliances in experimental meta-textual story crafting are delicate creatures and there is definitely a thing as being too lax with the Fourth Wall. :T

... um... yeeeeeah........

shut

your

canadian

syruphole

What I mean to say is, let’s all go discuss adolescents kissing on the mouth before we lose any more followers.

HAHHAHAHH yeah fuck this adventure

  
==> RETURN POV TO SEADWELLER   


* * *

-—SHOW PROM LOG—-

aww fuck fuck fuck wwhat the shell do i do NOWW

thats glubbin doc scratch he once looked right at me durin a routine and a little bit a gatorade came out my gills

Screw your courage to the sticking place, Ampora. Pin it up there with the ageing Sticky Tack of adrenaline, and as fixative add the Elmer’s Glue of your ego. I have not endured the Herculean task of keeping this promcoming alive to watch you choke.

wwhy cant you go get rid a him wwhy do i got to do all the stuff

He used to oversee my violin lessons. I am not going near the good Doctor unless armed with a flak cannon and heavy artillery. This one’s yours.

cod i havve to do fuckin evverythin round here its not fair this prom has just been me all seein mr noir get butt touched and bein alone and prom questbeasts and fishshit like that

i mean wwhere do i evven START wwith this guy hes horrible

You could use your devastating natural wiles.

huh yeah thats somethin i got in abundance

good idea ros thanks

Stop. Wait. That was easily identifiable sarcasm.

i wwill SEDUCE doc scratch

  
==> USE SEDUCE  


* * *

BUT IT FAILED!

  


  
==>   


* * *

  


-—SHOW PROM LOG—-

wwhale i tried

You are simply not my type, young man.

In any case, I am a responsible chaperone and cannot be diverted from my duties by any young buck in a tie and an inadequately sexy posture.

Here is my advice. I think that what you seek lies within the ladies’ bathroom, rather than all this foolishness about making prom more ‘exciting’. Do you truly think you have not received the prom you deserve? Why do its current excitements pall?

Sometimes life is about enjoying what you have, not yearning for what can never be.

you knoww wwhat doc

youre right

i think the moral a the story here is that you should basically nevver do anyfin that looks hard or uncomfortable

A lesson we should all take to heart.

  
==> CHECK THE BATHROOM   


* * *

-—SHOW PROM LOG—-

dear wwhoevvers in there before you start hootin and hollerin or wwhatevver youre plannin on doin i gotta inform you that i wwas sent here pacifically by an omniscient band director

wwhich has got to count for somethin in the scheme a things

ERIDAN?

holy shit kar is that you

NO, I AM SIMPLY A PHANTASM, WAITING FOR THE DAY YOU ERRONEOUSLY WALK INTO THE ABLUTION TRAP FOR GIRLS. OF COURSE IT’S ME, ASSHOLE, IN THE UNAPPEALING AND PASTY FLESH.

kar wwhat the flippin finny fuck are you doin in there

I LOCKED MYSELF IN THE BATHROOM BECAUSE IT GALVANIZES ME SEXUALLY!

reely

NO, YOU FUCKING DIPSHIT, I’M STUCK. MY MOIRAIL WAS MEANT TO SHOW UP LIKE TWENTY MINUTES AGO WITH AN AXE AND THE REMNANTS OF MY DIGNITY, BUT I AM ASSUMING SHE GOT FUCKING WAYLAID BY A PACK OF LIQUEFYING ORPHANS, WHICH IS COINCIDENTALLY THE ONLY EXCUSE I WILL ACCEPT FROM HER.

sorry but i havvent seen her kar

SHIT.

KNOW WHAT? I GIVE UP. I HONESTLY GIVE UP. STICK A TINED UTENSIL IN ME: I AM OVERDONE AND REEKING OF SMOKE, FIT ONLY TO BE SHROUDED IN A HEFTY BAG AND LEFT IN A CREVASSE.

WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE, I AM GIVING UP. YOU WERE RIGHT: I AM A WASHED-UP FAILURE WHO DID LITTLE MORE WITH MY LIFE THAN COLLATE A SERIES OF TINY, EUPHONIC SQUAWKS, THAT TO MY EAR MUST HAVE SEEMED GRAND PRAYERS AIMED AT THE EMPTY HOLE WHERE GOD ONCE RESIDED.

WHAT I AM BASICALLY SAYING IS

WE SHOULD GO TO APPLEBEE’S.

wwhat

TOMORROW.

YOU AND ME.

YOU LIKE RIBLETS, RIGHT?

kar im not sayin that me and riblets dont havve a good relationship but i cant actually wwork out wwhat the fuck is comin out a your blowwhole any more

I MEAN WE SHOULD GO TO APPLEBEE’S, TOGETHER.

IS THAT SAID IN A SIMPLE ENOUGH DIALECT? SHOULD I MAKE A FUCKING PICTORIAL TRANSLATION OR READY A SCENT TRAIL?

oh

ok

wwell

sure

yeah

id like that

CAN WE GET COOKIE SHAKES?

yeah dabsolutely this is a thing we can get

im gonna go find a crowwbar or suchlike you just sit there and think reel hard about cookie shakes and howw little youd regret havvin one wwith me

  
==> THE PATH IS CLEAR   


* * *

  
==> ERIDAN: ENTER HERO MODE.   


* * *

  
==> BE THE HERO THAT PROM NEEDS, NOT THE HERO THAT PROM DESERVES   


* * *

You used to think that love was basically about how happy another person made you. Now you realise that love is basically about how happy you want another person to be.

See, here’s the thing: you sort of love Karkat Vantas. He’s your friend. You two both tear up at the same part in _Free Willy._ You eat Oreos using identical methods. You diagnose each other’s illnesses on WebMD. You’ll mutually read anything if it talks about what everybody ate and what everybody wore. You know you would be really, really happy with him.

You also know that he wouldn’t be as happy with you.

Love is also about giving up your dignity, your pride, and the things you _reely_ want. It’s about sacrifice. It is about, sometimes, handing over your innocence to a four-foot-tall puppet with a cue ball for a head.

You set out to save the prom. And it will be saved... but not for you.

  
==> BECOME THE HERO YOU WERE ALWAYS MEANT TO BECOME  


* * *

-—SHOW PROM LOG—-

march plaid powwer dawwn a aquarius MAKE UP

  
==> USE SEDUCE  


* * *

IT’S SUPER EFFECTIVE!

==>  


* * *

-—SHOW PROM LOG—-

i got daddy issues and wwill do anythin for attention

Oh my. That must be truly terrible for you. Please, elucidate.

hell im luce wwithout one

  
==> FEFERI: BEHOLD ERIDAN — YOUR SIN, YOUR SOLE   


* * *

  
==>   


* * *

  


-—SHOW PROM LOG—-

I see.

The Ides of March.

  


  
==> MAC-E THE FUCK-ER   


* * *

-—SHOW PROM LOG—-

Leave our prom and N—-EV———-ER COM———E BACK!

wwhat the fuck fef

just

wwhat the evverlovvin fuck

And as for YOU!

  
==>   


* * *

-—SHOW PROM LOG—-

W)(at, w)(at, w)(at were you doing???

fef this isnt wwhat it looks like

It looks like you were dressing in ugly clot)(es and seducing a SC)(OOL PRINCIPAL. T)(at is w)(at it looks like you were doing!

wwhale ok its wwhat it looks like

i can explain fef it wwas for a good glubbin cause ok you got no right to be mad at me im a fuckin SAVVIOR you hear

You’re a fucking idiot!

Not)(ing is wort)( risking your body for. Not)(ing!

Wait, what.

but i wwas goin to savve prom

By letting some CR—E——EP groper your butt?

wwhat kinda fuck wwould you evven givve anywway you aint my MOIRAIL fef youre just

youre just some

-Eridan.

I know we )(aven’t been reely good at best fronds lately.

For a long w)(ile, I t)(ink.

wwhelk wwhat the fuck does best friends evven mean is wwhat i wwant to knoww highschools nearly ovver peixes wwere not goin to havve a lunch table to sit at any more all copyin each others math homewwork wwhen we both suck at math

once you graduate best friends dont havve a future or a commitment or

or nothin is wwhat im glubbin

good cod i dont evven knoww what im sayin just leavve me alone look at howw clashy our outfits are

I miss you.

wwe see each other evvery day

I miss you, even when you’re right there.

  
==>   


* * *

-—SHOW PROM LOG—-

i miss you too

  
==>THEY’RE PLAYING YOUR SONG   


* * *

-—SHOW PROM LOG—-

)(ey, cute stuff, can I )(ave t)(is dance?

wwill you respect me in the mornin

)(a )(a! I promise. 38)

wwell in that case i guess wwe got to showw evveryone howw seadwwellers do it

Yea)(! We )(ave the dignity and respect of OUR P—-EOPL—-E to up)(old!

Want to cuttlefis)( a rug?

yeah to hell wwith that rug

  



End file.
